*TW* CSA a day of triggers and how I coped.
Today in work, I was working with a consultant who reminds me so very much of HIM. I was sexually triggered when I first started working with him. I became inappropriate very quickly. And like any man, he responded to the very strong sexual signals that I was not aware I was giving off. I discussed this with my T. She reminded me, with my awareness of my 'programming', it was now up to me how I behaved.
I had to work with him closely today. I was so anxious, but accepting the feeling helped. I was friendly, professional, and I ignored any sexual innuendo or reference he made. And I noticed that as the day went on, he stopped. He remained friendly, but recognised I believe, that I had put up a boundary. And to be fair, he started to respect it.
The relief. Immense. I CAN do this!
And other triggers. Going back to my old office (smell- trigger). The new office- the house is like one I grew up in. Today I was on my own (......massive visual, auditory triggers). But the 'all senses' technique my T has made me practice to still my racing mind worked a treat.
Now- my brother is coming down. My niece is 12. She is the spitting image of me at that age. The age I was when HE first used his penis for penetration. And I must stay 'safe'. And I will. But I am scared. There is no denying it....but I CAN be safe. I am strong. She is not me. HE is dead.
I shall hang on tight. I shall lean here if I need too. Because I know the support here is second to none.