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*TW* CSA a day of triggers and how I coped.

Posted by Mand , 02 May 2014 · 245 views

I have been trying to bury things again. Trying to pretend that the little girl who was fondled, caressed, penetrated by HIM was not me. And this has caused nightmares and anxiety. I picked it up, spoke to DH about it. He has made me promise to read my letter to T. For my sake. To help me heal. To be kind to myself. And so I have promised, no more hiding. He offered to hear it, but I said that this is garbage that I want my T to carry. Not the man I love and want to grow old with. (Wow- I CAN imagine a future- that is another big tick!!!)

Today in work, I was working with a consultant who reminds me so very much of HIM. I was sexually triggered when I first started working with him. I became inappropriate very quickly. And like any man, he responded to the very strong sexual signals that I was not aware I was giving off. I discussed this with my T. She reminded me, with my awareness of my 'programming', it was now up to me how I behaved.

I had to work with him closely today. I was so anxious, but accepting the feeling helped. I was friendly, professional, and I ignored any sexual innuendo or reference he made. And I noticed that as the day went on, he stopped. He remained friendly, but recognised I believe, that I had put up a boundary. And to be fair, he started to respect it.

The relief. Immense. I CAN do this!

And other triggers. Going back to my old office (smell- trigger). The new office- the house is like one I grew up in. Today I was on my own (......massive visual, auditory triggers). But the 'all senses' technique my T has made me practice to still my racing mind worked a treat.

Now- my brother is coming down. My niece is 12. She is the spitting image of me at that age. The age I was when HE first used his penis for penetration. And I must stay 'safe'. And I will. But I am scared. There is no denying it....but I CAN be safe. I am strong. She is not me. HE is dead.

I shall hang on tight. I shall lean here if I need too. Because I know the support here is second to none.



I am here for support Mand. 

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yarnfoolishness
May 02 2014 03:57 PM

I'm here too.

Thanks guys. Had a nice evening. They arrived at 21:00. Went to the pub. Had a very interesting chat with my sister in law - I get on very well with her. Doing ok so far! :-)

Hi mand,

 

I can't imagine anything you read being a burden for your DH to carry.

"He ain't heavy, he's my brother"

 

It might take a couple of weeks for him to process everything he hears, and he might wander around in shock for a couple of weeks, but for thesake of being there for you, of understanding you, of  knowing you trusted him THAT MUCH, that would be a small price to pay.

 

He would cry, too. I guarantee you that.

But he chose to share his life with you, to share your joy and sorrow. Keep the letter, even seal it up. One day, I velieve you will be ready to share it even with him. It is not shameful, it is your story.

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intrepidshe
May 02 2014 10:53 PM

Oh boy Mand. You handled these triggers so well! And, you have more to deal with in the form of your niece. Sitting with you.

:hug:

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