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Post letter backlash

Posted by Mand , 01 May 2014 · 99 views

I have had such an odd time since I wrote the letter to my first abuser as my T asked me to do.
 
Initially, there was anger. It grew, and grew and grew as I wrote. It became an entity almost separate to me. Like a tangible presence that I could reach out and touch. I had told DH what I was doing. I asked him to stay in the room with me, so he would be there if I needed him, but that I did not want him to read it. After I had finished, I stood up and just said: "Hold me", and I shook and shook and shook with emotion. I have never had such an intensely, pure spout of anger in my life. My whole body was thrumming, buzzing, with the adrenaline that was coursing through my veins. It lasted for hours, and ended up in a bad night, but that was ok. I did not cry. I did not feel sad, I was just angry - I had become the living embodiment of anger.
 
I emailed my T the next day, said I would bring it with me to my next session next Thursday, and that I would read it then, because the need to have someone hear and acknowledge my anger and pain was like a desperate desire that only she could fulfil (as the only person who has listened and held onto all the detail for me). Then, I returned to work. After 1 month off, I went back, and it was such a relief. I was a little anxious, but was ok, and feel like I have never been away. I emailed my T late last night, and said I felt that I did not need to read the letter to her after all. I would destroy it and scatter its ashes with DH. Then I had last night.....
 
Nightmare after nightmare after nightmare. My poor DH had to wake me again and again. By this morning I realised I had done something that I have done all my life. I was trying to bury my past again. Trying to deny it. And obviously, my subconscious really thinks this is a bad idea. I have thought about what it would be like to read my letter out loud to my T, and the emotions it stirs up are.....overpowering and scare me with their strength, because the thought of reading it to her makes me want to cry. And I don't cry. Crying is 'dangerous'.. But if I don't name the demon for what he is, if I don't acknowledge all that happened, then clearly, I will not have processed properly. I will not be able to let go. The spectre of my past will continue to haunt and control me. And I say "No more!".
 
So my poor T, I emailed her again this morning. Told her what I had realised, and that I would bring the letter with me after all. And the thought of saying the words I have written out loud terrifies me, but I must not hide. I must be strong, as I have been all these years. Because only I am in charge of me, so only I can heal myself. And if that means I must cry and weep for The Silent One, then she deserves my tears, the poor little child......
 



:hug: :hug: :hug:
Short on words Mand. (((Safe hugs))) You are going through so much healing...and it's making you stronger each day :)
Also sort on words. I think it is great that you let Dh comfort you and hold you.
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yarnfoolishness
May 01 2014 04:08 PM

Mand

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

Your Silent One deserves only good things - just as you do.  Your T has proven trustworthy.  She can be trusted with this letter also, and then the Silent One and you can know that someone knows.  Someone who cares.  Someone who only wants good for you.  Someone who can be trusted to know.

 

You deserve that.  :candle:

Thanks Yarn. That really helps. I put in my last email to her that I would bring the letter, chat with her, and make my decision then. I don't understand what I am so frightened of.....yet I do.... (If that makes sense!!!)
I don't understand what I am so frightened of.....yet I do.... (If that makes sense!!!)

 

 

Yes. Perfectly.

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intrepidshe
May 01 2014 10:52 PM

Mand, this is a major landmark. It was a major landmark to write the letter. It is a major landmark to consider reading to your T. It is another major landmark to do so.

 

You are on the path, my friend. You are giving yourself permission to meet your needs. You are working toward this important place on our journey. Even if you don't read it to her at the appointment, it's still progress. It's OK to hesitate and take a breath. This is a tough climb. If you do read, well, that's progress too. In which case, plan for the rest and recuperation you will need.

 

Whatever happens, we are with you. We want your needs to be met.

Hi mand.

 

Your silent one is no less real for her silence. Her silence is wisdom. Seeing everything, revealing nothing.

 

I am reminded of the end of the movie the secret Garden, where the girle learns to cry, she says, it wasn't wanted, it wasn't wanted.

 

That is the wound. That is what the child feels. Not only fear of death, but a deep deep ache. Why didn't you love me?

 

Silent one has big bright sad eyes. They are full of tears. Anger is good, good, good, good.

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yarnfoolishness
May 02 2014 11:34 AM

Yes.  It totally makes sense. 

 

Sending good thoughts. 

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