Post T - not sure what I am going to write so assume potential triggers for ALL sorts of stuff! Take care all who dare read....
I related to her about me fully disclosing my past to my DH. About telling him about the sexual abuse from the age of 3. About the various abuses I was subjected too. That I didn't give great detail, but I explained it's affect on me, on how I view sex, and why I react so oddly most times to his touch. I then told her about how he told me of his relief. Of how it has hurt him - all these years. And of how he loved me, is amazed at my strength, my joy, my kindness in the face of all I endured before he met me. And I told her about how his love and acceptance lifted such a MASSIVE burden from me. I told her that finally, there is nothing hidden from him anymore. That I feel so much closer to him. "Of course you do - you have hidden from him and yourself. Now both of you can know and love ALL of you at last"
I said that when we awoke on Sunday morning, he talked about how amazing he had felt the previous night had been. That I had let him caress me, hold me. That I had not insisted on a hard 'fuck' but respected his wishes to just gently feel my body. I told her that we had agreed to work together on getting me to accept his touch, to enjoy the sensations of HIS hands touching me. And she said: "Thank goodness. I have been waiting for you to do this. I could not influence you or tell you or ask you to do it. You had to do it when you were ready. And you could not do it before you had accepted yourself what had happened to you. That you were sexually abused as a child by a paedophile" She then gave me some printed sheets - on them are various things she would like DH and I to work on. And sure enough - the first one is just touch. Not sexual touch, just caressing. I have to allow him to continue to do this, and I have to do this to him too. Step 2 is more sexual and step 3 is intercourse. But I am only allowed to do step one, until I am comfortable. This will be hard, but I can see it is so very important for my healing, that I will do it. And when I shared with DH tonight, he grinned and said "Looks like fun!" (Mainly because he knows how strong my sex drive is and knows that I am going to find it VERY hard going longer than a few days without full on sex - but I guess the anticipation will be good for me!!!)
Then came the much harder stuff. She showed me her anger, her revulsion with HIM. She called HIM a pervert, a disgusting paedophile, a bastard. And I said "Its really hard to hear you call him that" and she said "Why?" "Because I still love him". She then gently said that whilst I could still love him, I had to express what I felt about his BEHAVIOUR. Because whilst I couldn't do that. I was still holding that innocent child responsible. She said "I need you to call him a paedophile. To say it out loud. Because that is what he was". She made me say it, and I couldn't believe how HARD it was at first. But she got me to talk about Jimmy Saville. "Yuk! He makes my skin crawl. He was a disgusting pervert!" I exclaimed "Exactly!" she said. "So, how was HE different?" And it was like the penny dropped. "It's funny" I said. "It's like you expressing your anger at him is giving me permission to start to feel the same". "Yes" she said "That is exactly what I am doing. I want you to mirror me, because anger is the correct emotion to feel when someone has hurt and abused you."
She asked me what I felt when I thought of HIM. "Anxiety and fear" I instantly replied. "Right" she said, "what we will work on for the next few weeks is getting you to think of disgust and revulsion for what he did. Because then we will know you are not blaming yourself, but HIM".
And so, my homework was to write HIM a letter. I have had to name HIM a paedophile. I have had to tell him how what he did affected me through my whole life. I have had to tell HIM about all the abuse I was subjected to by others because of HIM. I have had to give him the guilt, the disgust, the revulsion. Because it does not belong to me, it belongs to HIM.
And so I have just written the letter. And I am shaking with anger. My body is tingling with it. My DH had to hold me and I shook with emotion for a while. And he held me and reassured me. The letter is written, in it's envelope. I will read it to my T next week. I will burn it. Then DH and I are going out for the day, to somewhere associated with HIM, and I will scatter the ashes of the letter. I will let it go......
Gosh, I ache. My whole body aches. And I am tired. But I can see, that soon, I will be free.