My House of Mand's, Integration of memories and emotions *TW* CSA, SH, SUI
The former experience has eased the turmoil within me. The guilt and fear of rejection. That I am somehow inextricably 'damaged' and 'beyond repair'. What my DH helped me realise was that I had pretty much repaired a lot of the damage on my own. That I had rebuilt myself, taken control. That I was and am strong and amazing and acceptable. The inner wounds, the deep seated ones, they are now being repaired and healed. The 'rewiring' of my core schema's is now occurring, strengthening me all the more.
The latter stuff has made me look into my House of Mand's. Because my T is encouraging this integration, is supporting and guiding me through it. So my communication with her on Saturday through the 2 emails greatly reflected on what had occurred internally with my Mand's. Because they speak to me of my intergration - finally acknowledging what happened - and acceptance of this, that it doesn't really matter because I am who I am now, and that's a good person.
I realised that The Silent One, Manderoo, The Bad Parent, Inner Bitch, Stroppy Teen - they are ALL holding my anger. So I have got Maternal Mand to call them all together in the kitchen in my Cotswold Farmhouse, and I am getting them to talk to me. I am talking to ME. I am remembering and feeling what happened to ME. When I created these alters to protect ME.
Manderoo - I am an angry child. I am an angry child who was unfairly treated, who was rejected, who was physically hurt and emotionally scarred by my parents. But my angry child also loves and forgives my parents. I welcome her strength, her love, her forgiveness of others and accept her anger is righteous.
The Silent One - I am a child who is confused by feelings of love and sexual pleasure. There is great joy in me, because I felt so special, so loved. I was acceptable to someone who I adored. Unfortunately, as I got older, this was used to control and manipulate me, and I became the Stroppy Teen and the Inner Bitch. I enjoyed a lot of the sexual pleasure, but I was aware that it wasn't quite 'right'. That it was something that should never be talked about, because it would cause harm to those who I loved. So my SH and SUI started. I created these two to carry this. And all of these parts of me are angry. But I accept the joy. It was not my fault. It was innocent. My sexual pleasure was pure. I accept that I was very carefully controlled and manipulated, that my pure and innocent love was used against my by a very clever man. So I forgive myself, and I love that I was strong enough to protect myself. I was and am strong. This is good. My anger is righteous, that is acceptable. the vengeful anger can go - there is no need to punish my body anymore. I love my body, it is a wonderful thing.
The Bad Parent - I am the one who sits in judgement on myself. I am my harsh inner critic. I demean and devalue, I hurt and twist things. I do not need to punish myself. My anger is not acceptable. My anger can go. I accept that I will evaluate what I do, but I will do this with love and kindness. I will become the good and loving parent, the maternal one that is ME.
I am pleased with this. This, I feel, is good. I am becoming whole. I accept my anger and pain as much as my love and joy. These are all ME.