Healing, and greater disclosure to DH - yesterday was a pivotal day in healing for me - *TW* Sex.
"Hi T - Like Columbo, just one more thing! Just a little addendum. Thanks for triggering me like you did. I can see why you told the story about your viva in a room with three men the way you did. Yes, it did cause a physical and mental reaction in me. I didn't allow it to effect me until I left you (whether it was apparent to you that it hit a chord in me I don't know). Finished reacting to it now. Made me see several things which have been invaluable.
1. Unlike with ******** (total break down) and initial ******** memories (mini break down) I have utilised ALL the techniques and internal messages you have planted and - hey - they worked!
2. This is good because it shows me how much stronger my internal support system and coping mechanism now is. When I am triggered again, I will know what to do and I have trust and belief that they work. Which makes me feel much stronger.
3. The most important message you gave me: It's who I am now that matters. It is a memory. It happened in the past. Yes, it hurt and was shit and disgusting, but so what. It is was only a body that healed and survived. My mind is now healing. It was not my fault.
Right. That's enough. Onwards and upwards. Thank you,
The second healing leap occurred with DH.
I sat with him and told him EVERYTHING. There was no detail - I don't believe in detail, he doesn't need that, but all the reasons why I am like I am with sex, with our children, with our friends. Why sometimes I HAVE to be alone. Why I can't allow him to initiate sex, why I can't stand foreplay, just EVERYTHING. This was prompted by another blogger (thank you) who discussed how her T had given her H/W that involved allowing her partner to help her heal by using touch. So I told him that this is how he can help me. I felt he needed to understand WHY it might be so hard for me, so that if I get upset, if he notices I am 'gone', he stops and brings me back. The fascinating thing is how he then opened up to me. He said he has always struggled with the fact that I can't stand foreplay. That I insist he is rough with me. That I can't bear him to stroke and touch me. That when he tries to mess about and play with me, I expect it to mean sex, and he sometimes just likes to 'play'! (That one really blew my mind! I will have to explore that one later). I allowed him last night to hold me, and he just gently ran his hands over my body. Sounds simple, but to allow him to do that was MASSIVELY triggery, but I kept myself centred. I stayed present, and we went to sleep. There was no sex (I wanted to but he said no) with him cuddling me. That is the first time in nearly 25 years that I have allowed that to happen. This is a biggy for me. I know I still have a lot of reprogramming to do, but I can see the road ahead. I might not have a map, but I believe that I will instinctively know the route. And I might get lost, but that's ok, because I can learn from my mistakes and find my way again. I am so very lucky in my DH. He has his faults, he is human after all, but he said to me: "Mand. None of this past matters to me. It all happened before I met you. And I met and fell in love with this beautiful, strong, loving, happy woman who is in front of me. And knowing this, I love you all the more".
Ah. I have brought tears to my eyes with that knowledge of love and acceptance. I am loved. I am worthy. I am strong. I am a survivor.