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*TW* sexual urges as an adult, long lasting effects of CSA

Posted by Mand , 21 April 2014 · 172 views

This is a blog that has been swirling around my head for a while. I write it with a sense of trepidation because I am aware that for some, their abuse meant that they can't abide anything sexual. I am also aware that there are others like me - who seek out the physical act with a kind of desperation. If you can- please just acknowledge you hear my voice. I do feel vulnerable posting this, but I am hoping to a) help others realise they are not alone, and b) hope that I get some responses that help me feel more 'normal' about my bodies reaction to memories and it's connection to how I am now. Please be warned, the language will be blunt, if you are easily offended, then do not read on.

I have only just started being able to talk to T about my masturbation habits and sexual drive. I have two drives. I said to her last week, the most frequent one for me is the need for physical release. This is when I need a fuck. It has to be quick, brutal, I cannot be caressed or kissed of touched gently. I cannot have any foreplay. It is literally (I know now) a recreation of being raped. But as well, it is a way of avoiding triggers. Because making love is associated with HIM. With gentleness and being pleasured and cared for. And it is the second I really struggle with- which is far more damaging for me. My T wants me to work at allowing the second to happen with DH rather than the first.

I have omitted to tell her stuff about HIM but I guess I must. Because I have such a very strong sex drive, and I feel a bit 'damned if I do, damned if I don't' at the moment. I don't want to be triggered anymore. I want to be able to enjoy the sexual pleasure my body gives me without feeling disgust and self loathing. I want to enjoy it for me. And at the moment, I can't see a way out of this dead end I feel I am in. Any advice would be gratefully received - although I appreciate that there are many who might not 'get' this at all. I don't know if I do really....



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suesigngirl
Apr 21 2014 04:02 AM

I think I get this. I cant bear gentle strokes, touches and tenderness. It has to be quick and business like. I have to know when it will end too or I start to freak out. I have to be the one to initiate it.

 

I cant seem to combine the act with love at all.

 

I long for a memory loss pill that would allow me to approach the whole thing of my sexuality from a position of being able to start afresh without those feelings surfacing.

 

Mand, you are so strong and brave. You are exploring territory that I'm not ready to enter yet. Your words will help me when i'm ready to do that though.

 

Thank you for being brave enough to post.

 

Sue x

Not an area in which I have any, even remotely valuable, input to make, I'm afraid :(

But applauding your courage and determination to face this unflinchingly

:metoyou:

:hug: I'll post more when I can.
"I have to know when it will end or I start to freak out" YES!!! That's exactly right, that's when I dissociate - I can't stay 'there' I have to stop feeling and just 'endure'. And like you Sue, I HAVE to initiate. I allowed hubby to a few weeks ago and then got triggered so badly I was a complete mess. My T tried to help me sort through it the following week, but at the time I had yet to open my vault, so she couldn't help fully. Guess I know what I need to talk to her about tomorrow. If I am brave enough to.......

I wonder what sex is like for someone who was never abused.......

Mand. I have heard what you described a number of times before. It is one of the types of responses. Nothing out of the ordinary based on your history.

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yarnfoolishness
Apr 21 2014 12:00 PM

"I wonder what sex is like for someone who was never abused....."

 

Me too.  Me too.

 

I don't have the drive to use sex as a release as you do, but I want to tell you that I think it's just one of the totally normal coping mechanisms that survivors employ.  As such, I feel nothing but admiration for you for approaching something that makes you feel so vulnerable.  Golly I hope I said that right!

 

Aside from the drive for release, my experience of sex must be the same way.  I have to know when it will be over.  I want it to be fast and over and done before I lose it.  Because I will lose it if it goes on too long.  I can't abide a long drawn out build up, because I will panic.  Sigh.

 

Anyway.  Thinking of you.  Sending good thoughts.

 

:hug:

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SilverandBlue
Apr 21 2014 05:12 PM

No knowledge of this, as I have never had any kind of physical relationship at all but I greatly admire your courage to post!

Sending hugs if you like! 

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intrepidshe
Apr 21 2014 10:29 PM

I wonder the same thing. Sex is just catharsis for me. I want a quick orgasm and then he can have what he wants as long as it doesn't require any emotion from me. I'm perfectly happy with and I prefer a 5-minute fuck. But I don't even really want to have sex to begin with. I just feel obligated. I don't feel desire, or love, just a need for release. And, since I'm obligated to provide it, I might as well get that release.

 

I keep wondering if I will ever want to make love, to feel emotions for the person with whom I'm sharing my body.

 

I think I first have to learn to feel my emotions and express them. Then I would feel love and allow someone to love me. Then, I could probably make love.

For me, the urge for the release can become all consuming. I can't think of anything else until it is released. It makes for inappropriate behaviour.....that leads to much guilt and shame and self loathing. Back to my 'all or nothing'. View of the world......

For me, the urge for the release can become all consuming. I can't think of anything else until it is released. It makes for inappropriate behaviour.....that leads to much guilt and shame and self loathing. Back to my 'all or nothing'. View of the world......

Seems like you and I share the all or nothing trait Mand.... it's always surprised me how I can get almost obsessed with something and not be able to relax until it's done or I have forced myself to forget about it. 

 

The exercises that my T recommended has been good for this challenge.  It's really freaking hard though.  But basically she told me to have Izzy slowly touch me and slowly move from one area to the next.  She said that I should allow myself to get a bit upset, grounding and resolving the upset as it happens, but to stop if I can't resolve it and start to dissociate.   I will say that this has lead to more petting than sex and has also lead to lots of emotions and trigger-yness...   But the two times that it has resulted in sex have been amazing.  

 

it's a work in progress. 

Wow. Nebulas. That is amazing. I feel anxious just thinking about that! But.... I can see how it would lead to a re-wiring of the automatic response....if I am brave enough, I will give it a go. Thanks for being so generous and sharing. Nice to see you back, I have missed your gentle wisdom. ((((Welcome back hugs))))
Ok- gave it a go. Very very hard. Had to stop him after five minutes. Urg......still, mustn't give up. Got over 30 years of automatic response to retrain - guess it's going to take a while !!!
Yey you! Must have been a lovely anniversary. Happy for you (((Mand)))
It was thanks Q. He had today off work today, we had a walk, did the garden together and are taking the kids out to see 'Noah' tonight. It's been a nice day :-)

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