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Why the lies we tell ourselves can cause such harm

Posted by Mand , 19 April 2014 · 682 views

I have been pondering a lot about the lies we tell ourselves. In my case, my T refers to this as my rose tinted spectacles, and I couldn't understand why she was so determined that I take them off and was honest with myself about my childhood. I had the dawning realisation over the last few weeks that lying to ourselves- although a form of denial and therefore strong protection for the abused child, causes massive harm in the adult.

For me, my first lie: "HE loved me. I asked for that love. I sought it out. Therefore it was my fault" this is the most damaging lie. HE chose to behave in an adult sexual way with a child who was desperate for love and cuddles. As a child, trying to survive, I was working on instincts. I was doing what I instinctively knew I had to do to survive and grow up as balanced as possible. HE was the adult with knowledge who knew what was happening. The lie makes it my fault, the truth makes it his.

Second lie: expressing needs and feelings is wrong, what I feel is wrong. Again, this makes blame internal. This makes bad things my fault. The truth is that expressing needs and feelings appropriately means I acknowledge I have as much worth and value as others. Because I am human.

Third lie: making a mistake and causing other people hurt means I am a bad person. The truth- making mistakes is human, I can learn from them. If I cause hurt unintentionally, then how can I be to blame? Intentional hurt is wrong and needs apologising for, but unintentional hurt is about the perceptions of others and I cannot control that. Only I am in charge of me. If I feel the need to apologise because the unintentional hurt caused was caused by my own carelessness or thoughtlessness, then fine. If I don't know I have caused hurt however- how can I know I need to apologise? I am not a mind reader!


There are many more, but I thought I would put these three out there as I feel there are the three that many who read my blog might be able to relate too. And so, healing continues.



Thank you for sharing these thoughts.  I ponder about the second lie a lot.

Mand Thank You So Very Much For Posting This. This Was Very Helpful ThanK YOu.
Mand,

I'm still wrestling to keep my rosy tinted glasses on, but you've given me pause in my (unwinnable) struggle.

I think lies two and three are so very sad, and it makes me sooooo happy to see that you know they're lies. Now THAT really makes those glasses seem much more like torture devices than rosy spectacles - this is something everyone should know about themselves, that they matter.

And as for lie number one - well done your T. AND you. Given the magnitude of the sin, that blame belongs squarely with the man who hurt a child so very badly.

Stay safe, and let's all bin those glasses!

Q
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intrepidshe
Apr 19 2014 05:59 PM

Mand,

 

I love the structure of this entry (Lie/Truth). Also, this is incredibly brave for the rawness of the lies you have exposed and challenged with the truth. And, such beautiful truths they are!

 

I appreciate you sharing this!

Great read. I relate with what you write. Have you read about blame the victim?

 

Ty for sharing.

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