Sometimes I am so stupid, I quite take my breath away!
The first thought was I wanted to challenge something that she said to me in my last session. She said: "So, he didn't cause any damage then, you are ok" and I said "Yes, that's right, no damage done".
I was pondering what another Pandy's friend had put on a topic I had posted, about the CSA experience being the equivalent of getting a tiny bit of yolk or oil in egg whites, so that no matter how hard you whisk, they just will not whisk properly. And I thought, "I need to tell her that actually, she was wrong, damage was done!", and I felt quite pleased with myself. I took off my 'rose tinted spectacles'.
Then it dawned on me, I am forever telling my T that my mum's coping mechanism is denial, followed up by the sudden realisation that SO IS MINE! That what my T was gently hinting at when she pointed out my rose tinted view of the world, that I, too, have an incredibly strong denial system in place. If I can remember everything as good and positive, then I am ok. But actually, this is me lying to myself. By not being objective, realistic, I am actually causing myself harm. She actually said as much when I said I used alcohol to numb myself. "In that instant" she said "You are lying to yourself, because you are not only denying what you are feeling, you are making it worse because you then have to deal with the guilt of your alcohol use". She has very probably, in that one sentence, either inadvertently or deliberately, effectively told me what my coping mechanism has been all my life, and how it has and is causing me damage.
Clever, trixie lady my T..........