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T today. Goodbye erotic transference, hello healing *TW CSA*

Posted by Mand , 04 April 2014 · 173 views

I was dreading T today. She told me it would be hard. That she would push me. We started off safe- discussed riding, I got her to talk about herself (a good trick of mine!) then she says- "Enough about me, let me tell you what is happening today. This is a safe place. This is YOUR safe place. I want you to tell me what you want to talk about regarding your abuse. It can be memories, feelings, what you are struggling with. It can be details or nothing with detail but impressions you have, what you remember". I could feel my vision fading, bright lights flashed. I could hardly breathe. Then, I started to talk. About what I was struggling with. About my love and guilt and how my child perspective felt 'safe' but my adult one was full of revulsion. Of the perspective of a mother.

My T was amazing. Made me realise that it was ok to love. Ok to have pleasure. Because HE made me feel loved. He pleasured me. And that was ok. I was a child, so how could it be wrong? And the relief. I can't describe.

But then came the kicker. "Mand, I don't believe this is what is truly bothering you. There is another memory here. One you are blocking". And she is right. I know this to be true. So this will be my homework. This is what I shall work on. Because as she said to me:"you have nothing to fear, but fear itself. And you must remember, you have already survived"

And my erotic transference has gone. Totally. That boil has been lanced. I love her for who she is. The sexual side has gone. And now, for the courage to face the rest....



what an amazing moment you are sharing Mand.  this is really inspiring to me- how far you have come, what you were able to share, how you are working with and trusting your T to guide you.  soooo many steps are shinning through in this blog post.  

 

i love it when my T reminds me that I have already survived.  she is right - you did survive.  

 

((Hugs)))

 

So proud of you!

(((Mand))) Your T is 100% right, you did survive and you are safe now. I love reading your blogs and seeing how far you come each day and everything you achieve. You are truly an inspiration. I'm so happy that you are finding the erotic side has completely disappeared and you can focus on healing now. 

 

You are amazing.

Thanks guys. Feeling good right now. Accepting this feeling. Know it can come and go. But I know complete healing is possible. It will happen. Hope you are both doing well :-)
 I got her to talk about herself (a good trick of mine!) then she says- ...

 

 

My T sees through my tricks but she pretends she doesn't. :)

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crazycatlover
Apr 04 2014 02:07 PM

I'm glad your sexual feelings for your T are gone. mine are a lot less then they once were but they still act up sometimes......

 I got her to talk about herself (a good trick of mine!) then she says- ...

 
My T sees through my tricks but she pretends she doesn't. :)


Jealous you can both do that!

Well done, Mand. I think the perspective thing is interesting. It sounds great, being able to see through the revulsion to accept young Mand's feelings. Go, you!
Crazycat, I have a feeling my feelings for her might flare up. They've gone before and come back again. But I find it easier each cycle. Less scary. Because I know she is 'safe' and does not act in any counter transference she might have. Feel completely exhausted now so night all!
:hug:
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intrepidshe
Apr 04 2014 10:10 PM

Mand, I'm delighted to read this. I'm delighted for you and where you are in your healing. You've taken such courageous steps. It's incredible.

 

Also, it helps me a great deal to read this and learn from you. You grapple so openly with your struggles. Thank you for sharing your experiences and what they mean to you!

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