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One of those days where I feel I have gone backwards......

Posted by Mand , 01 April 2014 · 169 views

I awoke this morning with a thought that I would blog further about resistance, and how I believe it is related to feelings of fear and shame, that are deeply rooted when anyone has been abused - either as an adult or child. But instead, I found myself thinking "I feel bad. I feel wrong. I have done something wrong. I am bad." And this, I am trying to be mindful about. I am trying to accept that I feel 'wrong' today, and that's ok, that's just how I feel. But me, being me, cannot leave it there. I have to dig. Like when I was a child with a wobbly tooth, and even though it hurt, I took delicious delight in wobbling more and more until it fell out. I liked that pain, there was a reward of the tooth falling out at the end of it! So, I thought, lets check in with my Mand's.
I was straight away taken into the house, into the box room with the bunkbeds. The Silent One is curled up on the bed, sucking her thumb, staring blindly at the wall. Manderoo is sat next to her, but she is a child, she does not know what to do, how to offer comfort. Maternal Mand is distressed, she is feeling guilty. She did not protect The Silent One yesterday. The Bad Parent is grinning a smug grin, pleased that I slipped, pleased with my failure to protect myself yesterday, smug in the knowledge that I 'got no better than I deserve'.
The Wicked Mand. Ooooooh, I could slap her. She got out yesterday. She took charge. I should have recognised her coming out, but I didn't. She is sat on the kitchen table, grinning at me, a knowing, irritating grin on her face. And I can think to yesterday, and I know why I feel like I do now. I know what happened that turned my house of Mand's back from it's tranquil place of healing to a place of turmoil and upset again. ARG! Why didn't I stop her Why didn't I take control. Why is this so hard?


I relate to this. I wish I could help you. All of you is precious. I can't say any more because I can feel myself confusing my experience with yours in an unhelpful way. I'm thinking of you.

Thanks Susanna. Hard isn't it. Off to T now.

It takes time for roots to get firmly established. Until they do the odd setback can happen. Try and be kind to yourself when it does.

Apr 01 2014 09:27 AM
It's very hard. I'm so glad you have T today. I wanted to tell you that I think you've done so well to *recognize the feelings as something to explore. *check in with your household and *recognize what happened This is such amazing work. I wanted to tell you that. :metoyou:

Thanks Yarn. (can't get the emoticons to work on my 'puter in blogs. don't know why!) ((hugs))

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