Things happen that you don't expect
Last October, when I disclosed my teenage rapes and use in porn by a teacher and his 'friends', I told our mutual friend, the person who I considered my closest friend. And she completely withdrew from me. There was no response. I can picture her now. She just sat there and smiled at me and said nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Tonight, talking to my other friend, she asked about the distance between me and our other friend. And I said: "Do you know what? I don't think she believed me. And since I told her the original memories, since then, she has slowly withdrawn from me". And to my amazement, this friend burst into tears. I stared at her in amazement. Then the realisation hit me. I have never grieved the loss of this friend, despite the fact we had been so very close for over a decade. And I thought maybe that's why I had told this friend, knowing she might be upset, so she could grieve for me. At the time of disclosure to this mutual friend, I could not feel sorry for myself. I still can't. I can't deal with the fact that someone would think I am not telling the truth, or rejecting me because of my past. But my friend felt indignant and hurt for me. The same way she has expressed her anger at my work colleagues last week. As did my T. As did my DH. This brings me back round to my thoughts of yesterday. About how I might need my T to express emotion for me, because I can't allow myself to feel them, or express them at this time. A fellow blogger suggested that I might need my T to hold the emotion for me, until I was ready. And I realise this is such a massive truth, and I thank her for this insight. Because in some ways, I believe it will make it easier for me to say to my T that I NEED her to voice her true thoughts and opinions. To help me release mine. Or to help me know that she will hold onto the feelings for me, until I am ready to express them.