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Things happen that you don't expect

Posted by Mand , 30 March 2014 · 174 views

It has been a lovely Mothers Day. My children decided not to collaborate on my present this year. And their presents reflected their personalities beautifully. This evening, neighbours came over for a sit in the sunshine in our garden, and a glass of wine. This is the one friend who I have entrusted with most things. More, even than my husband. Because there are many things that I not want to share with DH. I do not want it to come between us. We were talking about a mutual friend. This mutual friend I would have classed as my 'best friend' until my can of worms started being a problem 2 years ago, when she started to withdraw from me.
 
Last October, when I disclosed my teenage rapes and use in porn by a teacher and his 'friends', I told our mutual friend, the person who I considered my closest friend. And she completely withdrew from me. There was no response. I can picture her now. She just sat there and smiled at me and said nothing. Absolutely nothing.
 
Tonight, talking to my other friend, she asked about the distance between me and our other friend. And I said: "Do you know what? I don't think she believed me. And since I told her the original memories, since then, she has slowly withdrawn from me". And to my amazement, this friend burst into tears. I stared at her in amazement. Then the realisation hit me. I have never grieved the loss of this friend, despite the fact we had been so very close for over a decade. And I thought  maybe that's why I had told this friend, knowing she might be upset, so she could grieve for me. At the  time of disclosure to this mutual friend, I could not feel sorry for myself. I still can't. I can't deal with the fact that someone would think I am not telling the truth, or rejecting me because of my past. But my friend felt indignant and hurt for me. The same way she has expressed her  anger at my work colleagues last week. As did my T. As did my DH. This brings me back round to my thoughts of yesterday. About how I might need my T to express emotion for me, because I can't allow myself to feel them, or express them at this time. A fellow blogger suggested that I might need my T to hold the emotion for me, until I was ready. And I realise this is such a massive truth, and I thank her for this insight. Because in some ways, I believe it will make it easier for me to say to my T that I NEED her to voice her true thoughts and opinions. To help me release mine. Or to help me know that she will hold onto the feelings for me, until I am ready to express them.



I believe it will make it easier for me to say to my T that I NEED her to voice her true thoughts and opinions. To help me release mine. Or to help me know that she will hold onto the feelings for me, until I am ready to express them.

 

 

I think the second would be preferable. I see very good reason for her to hold them for you. But I think that it is important for you to express them for yourself, when you are ready. That's not to say that she shouldn't help you find your voice.

Thank you Candu. Think you are right. If I can't feel and express them for myself , I guess the question "how do I heal and move forward?" Should be asked. I can see that - yet again- this is about acceptance. In order to accept my past, I need to be able to feel and express the emotion associated with it. I was denied my emotions as a child. Trying to connect to and understand them in my 40's is hard and scary. But I know I must not be a coward, that I must let my barriers down in order to achieve this. And that is why it is so important that going to my T feels so safe. So I can finally allow this to happen.

That's great. But don't push yourself too much. You are moving really fast with all this. The rate that you are going you won't need a T in a couple of months. ;)

That's typical me. I do everything quickly. I am very impatient and hard on myself. Always have been :/
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intrepidshe
Mar 30 2014 10:02 PM

I love the exchange with your friend who felt and expressed the emotions of loss and betrayal for the abandonment by your other friend. Even when we can't feel our own emotions, it helps so much for others to feel them. It is validating and sanity making.

 

You and I both will eventually find a way to reconnect the emotional wires inside ourselves. That's the part that will go slow. We race through the cognitive process, but we cannot force the emotion part.

Yes Intrepid- you have it. The intellectualisation is easy. It's actually - I believe- a very strong defence mechanism. The emotion - wow- still don't understand emotions. One of my 'laws' is that I have no right to express negative emotions, only positive ones. So my new law now reads that I have the right to express any emotion at the appropriate level and time.

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