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Dealing with the consequences (Poss *TW* for ED)

Posted by Mand , 25 March 2014 · 136 views

I was anxious about going into work today, after I had got so paranoid yesterday. I had slept from 21:30 last night, pretty much straight through to 6:30 this morning. No nightmares. Yet I still felt exhausted. On entering the office, the two lovely ladies I work mostly with sat me down and said "We need to talk". It was a difficult and upsetting conversation. One was hurt (so I was right - she was ignoring me) because I had asked her to stop touching my hip. She is a beautiful lady of Arabic decent, but she kept triggering me, so for my own sanity, on Friday, I had asked her to stop. She said she "Couldn't deal with the thought that she had done something wrong that might have hurt me" And I understand this, I really do, so I have had to take this blame as my own. I know I wasn't wrong to say something, but what can I do?
As for the other, she said she couldn't cope with me texting her. After I left yesterday - and I know I left abruptly because I didn't want them to see me crying, I send a text apologising but saying I was tearful and had to leave. She was unfortunate enough to have been in a long term very difficult relationship - and this behaviour triggered her own insecurities and she was angry with me for doing this. So this blame I also take. Lesson learnt. I must be intelligent Mand in work. Vulnerable Mand, Mand who is processing does not belong there. She must be left at the door. And if this sounds harsh, actually, I don't mind. I feel relieved. Because this is a clear boundary, this is a rule. And I can live by rules, they make me feel secure.
I feel a little sad, a little lost, a little empty. I don't understand adult relationships. I never have. They confuse me. I thank God for my husband who has managed to keep me so good (without realising it!) for so many years. But now I am having to 'grow up' and I am realising it is a complicated scary world out there. But I forced myself to eat, and that is good. I didn't throw it up - although I wanted to. And finally today, I started to cry, to mourn the lost childhood that meant I did not learn these skills growing up, but am having to now.

My situation is totally different, but in some ways the same. Its hard to start learning stuff that most people learned long ago. 


But remember. That most people have issues just like we do. Maybe not as many or not as bad but they do. So we need to keep in mind that we don't have to be perfect. Because nobody is.

Relationships, confusion... Yes.


For those of us who have lived our lives striving to be perfect and always feeling that we fall short or aren't good enough, it is so hard to be on a steep learning curve. When the shame of false steps and failures is deeply felt, it's a horrible paradox that we need to embrace these mistakes in order to heal and grow. But how to distinguish between acknowledging responsibility for a weakness that needs to be addressed and shouldering a burden of self-blame?


A psychiatrist acquaintance once said to me "Be kind to yourself" (he knew nothing about my CSA at the time) and I almost laughed in his face.  I still don't know how to do it, but I think he might have been onto something.


I'm sorry that you've had a horrible couple of days, Mand. :hug:

The worst thing. Got a phone call from management. They went to see me. Are concerned about my mental well being. I will leave you all to guess how this has made me feel. I have promised hubby I will only come on here once a day to blog and check in with friends. I have been too involved on here and not been outward looking enough. Take gentle care all and I will blog tomorrow about how the management meeting goes. If I can.

I'm sorry this is so hard. Management are (or should be) actually on the side of you being ok and ok to do your job. But it may not feel like that.

My DH doesn't quite get the 'chicken and egg' situation with Pandys. He has sometimes thought that going on here 'fuels' problems. But actually it's the other way round - problems cause me to seek out Pandys. When I am feeling 'better' I seek out Pandys less. And as I heal more I am able to stand up and say this to DH more - and he is in turn less suspicious about it.

The bit that secondaries find hard is that actually, had these things not happened to is we would not be experiencing these problems. But they did and we are reacting the best we can only without an instruction manual.

Thinking of you :hug:
Mar 25 2014 09:56 PM

I agree with what Susanna said.


I'm here supporting you and hoping for your ability to continue to meet your healing needs.

Sending safe hugs to you Mand



It was not an easy meeting. I am hurt and angry. But you were right Susanna, they were there to support not judge. I couldn't believe that the girls disclosed EVERYTHING to them though. I will never trust them again. I will probably never tell anyone (out side here and T) ever again. This is why it continues. Because I have begun made to felt I have done something wrong. I have been asked to take sickness from work until I can see my T on a Thursday and go into work ins Friday as professional Mand. This is hard. Hard not to feel betrayed. Hurt. Victimised all over again.
Mar 26 2014 11:19 PM

Oh Mand. I wish I could find any kind of comforting, healing words. I'm sorry you're going through this. We're here for you.

Mar 27 2014 12:12 PM

Oh Mand,


Sending compassion and understanding and kind thoughts.  I would feel the same way, but I'm glad they were there to support and not judge.  I'm sorry about how your co-workers disclosed; I would feel betrayed as well.  I'm not saying it's OK, but I wonder if they were simply very worried about you?  If they are true "trauma virgins", they might get scared pretty easily at what we must deal with as a matter of course.  Again - not saying it's OK, just offering that maybe their behavior comes from a position of caring.


Sitting with you.

Mar 27 2014 12:22 PM

In regards to "growing up" and the scary real world, I find this a little comforting:

The "real world" is just a bunch of kids pretending to be grown ups because that's what society tells us to do.


Some people know how to share, some don't.

Some bosses are bullies, some become your best friend and/or the captain of your soccer team.

Sometimes you take initiative and earn an "A+" other times you get benched.

As long as you remain true to yourself and try to play nice in the playground of the work world, you'll be just fine.

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