Dealing with the consequences (Poss *TW* for ED)
As for the other, she said she couldn't cope with me texting her. After I left yesterday - and I know I left abruptly because I didn't want them to see me crying, I send a text apologising but saying I was tearful and had to leave. She was unfortunate enough to have been in a long term very difficult relationship - and this behaviour triggered her own insecurities and she was angry with me for doing this. So this blame I also take. Lesson learnt. I must be intelligent Mand in work. Vulnerable Mand, Mand who is processing does not belong there. She must be left at the door. And if this sounds harsh, actually, I don't mind. I feel relieved. Because this is a clear boundary, this is a rule. And I can live by rules, they make me feel secure.
I feel a little sad, a little lost, a little empty. I don't understand adult relationships. I never have. They confuse me. I thank God for my husband who has managed to keep me so good (without realising it!) for so many years. But now I am having to 'grow up' and I am realising it is a complicated scary world out there. But I forced myself to eat, and that is good. I didn't throw it up - although I wanted to. And finally today, I started to cry, to mourn the lost childhood that meant I did not learn these skills growing up, but am having to now.