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*TW* Assessing and dealing with new memories and erotic transference with my T

Posted by Mand , 23 March 2014 · 127 views

Under a very sensible piece of advice from another blogger, I am going to start this blog entry with a gentle plea. If you can, after reading, just a little acknowledgement that you hear my voice. I don't mind if it is a 'like', or a few words. Admittedly, what I find most helpful is when people read and take the time to respond with their own thoughts, but I totally appreciate that only a few feel able to do so, as I am the same when reading others blogs. Also, if you feel you can't do anything, make any response then that is ok too. Because at the end of the day, we all have to behave in a way that is acceptable to us, and maybe, what I am about to write will be unacceptable to many.
 
 
 
 
 
 
When I finally opened my vault, and told my T about my early memories, what taking my 'rose tinted spectacles' off had meant about what I realised about my early life, I was unprepared for the joy and relief I felt initially. I am so very glad I have the memory of that feeling, because it has carried me through a tough few days. What I was prepared for - this time, was the flood of memories, flashbacks, body memories hitting me, although it was painful and hard, I felt that this time, I have coped better. What I have noticed is a greater presence of anger, and something else. A greater presence of grief, of longing, of wishing......Wishing what? I am not sure. Because.........
 
I know, that a sexual relationship within the family is incestuous. I know that it is a taboo - that society is repulsed by it. And with good reason. Because of genetic abnormalities that can arise due to close relatives interbreeding. But what if you truly believe that if it weren't for the love that the child felt due to that relationship, they would not be the good, kind, loving person they are now? The adult is repulsed, whilst the body responds sexually to the memories. I can't stop it happening, it is so very much out of my control. It happened telling my T, it happens during the memories. I can't stop the desire, my body, reacting with the pleasure centres of my brain. So I am stuck in a loop of pain and longing and desire and disgust and loathing and humiliation. So I come to the conclusion that I am wrong. I am bad. Something is seriously miss-wired in me, and although my T assures me that we are working on re-wiring this - I have a fear that I will loose who I am, who is ME again......
 
My erotic transference with my T has been horrendous. I have been so scared by it, because it was (and still is) so strong. I have successfully managed to manipulate her into touching me, complimenting me on my body, which tells me that I give off very strong sexual signals. All this happened before I even realised I had erotic transference issues. That's how clueless I was. And I can realise now that I was trying to recreate with her the loving relationship that I had missed for so long. He died suddenly over twenty years ago and even now I miss him, I love him, if he could be back with me I would welcome him with open arms and not judge or condemn him.....
 
My T obviously clued herself up pretty quickly that some serious counter-transference was occurring, because she apologised and re-set very firm boundaries, which she has continued to maintain. And I have tried to not be so overtly sexual - since I realised that transference was happening. But my longing for her is still immensely strong. If she wanted me sexually, I would give myself to her, totally.......And I am happily married with a healthy sex life with my husband. I have NEVER been sexually attracted to another woman in such a powerful way.....
 
I am worried about seeing her on Thursday. She has told me to write things down, and I can give them to her or destroy them. I have to give them to her. I don't know if I can verbalise to her this confusion and revulsion, and desire and longing I feel. And I can't destroy them because it is what made me ME........And will I be destroying myself....? Am I doing the right thing?
 
We went out last nigh with friends. And an older man in the pub threw his arms around me and hugged me. Turned to my DH and said "She always gives me such a lovely smile and a hug when I see her", and I was in shock. I recognise the man, but I have hugged him before???? Of that, there is no memory. And I am forced to wonder what Wicked Mand has been up to, again.......Because this is not the first time an older man in my village has done this to me, has touched me in a way that shocks me. I have had wives come to me and tell me that I am their husbands sexual fantasy.........In church, the older men, if they are on the door greeting people, will hug and kiss me. Me. Not my friend who is always with me, but only me. So I must be still broadcasting such strong, sexual signals. Without knowing it. And this has happened to me through my entire life. From since I was 2.
 
I have a lot of work to do with my T. I have to get this sorted, and sorted fast. It is all too confusing.......



Mand I Am Short On Words But I Wanted You To Know I Am So Sorry You Are Going Through All Of This :( I Wish You Much Peace.

Thank you Stronger. I wish the same for you too.

Mand (s),

 

Your T understands this dynamic better than you, and with utmost compassion and respect for how it all came into being in the wounded child that was/is you.

 

She self-corrected---perfect. You now have the (safe) room you need to explore how this all came about in your life.

 

It is not "Wicked" to need love as affection, and to have sometimes or only found that need misused, twisted, or exploited by a sexually irresponsible man. 

 

Repetition compulsion:  means you play out what you know, have known, (your circuitry pattern) until you get it right/mastered---under your control and by your definition of what is right for you. No fear. No exploitation. Truly loving.

 

A lot of this post about that dynamic focuses on the effect, not the cause. This question won't be answered until you look at the cause---what drove you so needfully into the arms of someone in the first place?

 

The dissociation is understandable, the 'too familiar strangers at church and in town' will become sorted in time as the need is understood and properly met.

 

It is just fine to be sexual, to have a good libido. Maybe it got overdeveloped early. If so, this will calm down as treatment progresses.

 

Kudos to you for opening the vault. I know this takes tremendous courage. I cannot overstate that. I really respect your bravery and willingness to help yourself and to be as honest as you can with your T. The socialized shame is at hand in that, but not Truth. Truth says you were mistreated and if you had any reasonable alternative, you would have taken it. No shame in that.

 

Chill a little. Calm down. It's all in good hands now.

All my best to you in your journey to healing, 

Jiva

On my phone so excuse shortness. What amazing and inspiring work you are doing at this phase of your healing journey. I am so sorry for the pain and confusion that you are going through. The fear that comes with this level of processing. It sounds like your T is very kick ass and really wants to do what is right for you in terms of healing. I hope you continue to share and talk with her. Your blog opened a lot of thoughts, reflections and feelings about my own experiences. Thanks for sharing and helping me untangle this messy ball of string that doesn't make sense at all. I can't seperate memories very well or find words. But this blog post is starting to put a shape to a memory- adult words to little Chris experienced. Giving her a voice and taking away the crazy ness and building feeling of pressure to make sense of it- at least in this moment. Thank you.
Thank you Jiva. You speak a lot of calm, rational sense. Funny , when I texted my T in a flap on Friday, her immediate response anchored me, and her first line was: "No need to panic". I feel this is what you are advising me too.
Thank you nebulas. Thank you for saying it helps you. It makes sharing easier. Take gentle care, I know how hard this is, unknotting the tangle inside....
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SilverandBlue
Mar 23 2014 10:15 AM

I have been reading your blog entries, because you write so well about the complicatedness of managing transference and the whole T relationship thing. It helps me, as I am smack in the middle of it right now. Thank you

You're welcome Silver. Glad it helps.

(((Mand))) I am so sorry you are going through this right now...I'm kinda stuck for words but I'm going to try. Firstly, I think you are extremely brave to post this..you are so strong.

 

Your T sounds really supportive and knows what she's doing...and I'm sure this will sort itself in time. I'm sorry I can't say more than that, but I want you to know that I'm with you as you go through all this. 

 

Take gentle care (((safe hugs)))

((((Sar)))) thank you. I am feeling overwhelmed by the non judgemental attitude of everyone. I realise, I am too judgemental of me. I would never judge another as harshly as I judge myself.

Hey there. I read this whole thing and, I just wanted to say that I am very sorry for what you are going through.

 

Also, I know where you are coming from with the whole arousal from memories thing. It's totally normal to feel that way, trust me.

 

Oh, and I get what you mean about the whole wanting your father's love thing too. I'm not exactly sure who my abuser is (although I highly suspect that it is my dad), but no matter who he is... it's almost as if I want the abuser to hurt me again. It's not because I want to be in an incestuous relationship or anything, but because I was trained to believe that that's how you show people you love them if you truly love them. I wasn't very loved as a child, so it's only natural that I would try to seek out that one thing that made me feel so loved back then, even if it was wrong.

 

You are not disgusting at all for feeling the way you do when recounting memories, and you are certainly not alone. Please don't judge yourself too harshly for any of this, okay? Sitting with you and giving you safe hugs, if that's okay. :)

Thank you parlophone. This helps. (It wasn't my dad though. He was the violent one. It was another male relative. ) Safe healing Mand.
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:hug: :hug:
I am happily married with a healthy sex life with my husband. I have NEVER been sexually attracted to another woman in such a powerful way.....

 

 

Mand. One of the things that is done in therapy is to open up our boundaries. (as long as we have safety) So that the therapist can connect with us and understand. So I am not surprised that you feel this way. And that once she became aware of what happened she put the what boundaries were needed in place.  To me it says that you likely have a pretty good therapist.

 

I have read your blog only for a little while. I think you are doing fantastic.

Hugs always welcome. I am so glad that I had enough courage to post the previous blog and this one. I feel greater acceptance and peace now. Such a relief after such emotional confusion and turmoil. That you all. You are amazing people. I hope I can be as supportive and non judgemental as ou have all been for me.
Thank you Candu.
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intrepidshe
Mar 23 2014 06:17 PM

Mand, I don't really have anything to add to the wonderful responses of others. This took courage to post. Can you take one more step and tell your T? I understand if that's too much. Either way, you're doing amazingly well in processing this difficult issue.

I will be telling my T. I now can't imagine not bring able too. Thank you Intrepid.

Just figured out why i resist commenting. My childhood training was that the more I give, the more he takes, in every area of life, so I give very little.

 

Guess I can break through that for you, Mand.

 

My comment. Gutsy. I'm guessing you will be really stressed and tired with all this stuff going on.

 

I have always tried to figure out how females tick and have failed miserably, but some of the things I understand the least fascinate me the most.

 

This is one of those. I read a quote in a book once, "the joy of being a woman, and letting the body lead ... "

 

Men simply can't afford to do this, our task is to master the body and not let it lead us.

 

For women, whoever, with some encouragement from the mind in the right general direction, maybe there is some truth in that quote.

 

Somehow I sense there's a way ahead in that for you, not in running from but in embracing whatever is going on in the body, working with it to find your truth.

 

Hope it's okay to say this. Compassionate care sent in your direction,

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