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Circling. *TW*

Posted by Mand , 22 March 2014 · 152 views

When we spoke,
Yesterday,
I told you about the memories.
The were a deluge,
A flood.
What was a small drop,
A trickle,
Became a torrent,
A wave,
And I am being battered by them,
Ceaselessly.
I can't control them,
No more than I can describe colour to a blind person,
Or hold a handful of water.
I can be mid conversation with my son,
And like a cranky old projector,
A scene starts playing in my mind.
On the inside I am screaming for it to stop,
To go away,
Because for now,
I need to be Maternal Mand,
Strong Mand.
I cannot be vulnerable Mand,
Who is confused.
Confused by the feelings within my body,
Disgusted by my sexual reaction,
My desire,
My need for the love I received.
It is so disturbing.
It is wrong.
But without it,
Who would I now be?
Was it so very wrong?
Does it surprise you?
Disgust you?
Do I now repulse you?

You told me to write my memories.
To get them out.
And then,
To destroy them.
But I find I can't.
Because by doing that,
Am I not also destroying myself?

This is hard.
So hard.
I knew it would be hard.
I understand why you warned me.
Because despite having been here before,
This is different.
This is a younger, purer, innocent child.
Who is struggling to understand what she has done wrong.



Not a lot of words I can offer. But know that you are not alone and she did nothing wrong. I KNOW it feels like that. But it wasn't us. It wasn't her. She deserved and deserves nothing but gentleness and carrying Sitting with you and safe hugs if you'd like them.

Thank you Nebulous. Thank you for reading, but especially thank you for responding. I don't know why, but when I put a piece of writing out there that is like this - really from the heart, I feel very VERY vulnerable. And when I see people have read it but not put anything, I makes me wonder "Am I wrong? I am REALLY wrong? Have I gone to far? Is there no hope and no one else can identify with what I put?......" And then the irrational thoughts start to come in......

 

 

So what you have put. Thank you.

Typing in my phone- so forgive the shorthand. Yes being vulnerable is hard. I takes strength and courage to share what you have written with others- and yourself. I hope you see that courageous part of yourself and celebrate her. I also hope that you take a moment to celebrate the creative and talented poet part of you. I battle daily with the feeling that by choosing this path I have chosen one of self destruction and the destruction of all who love and depend upon me. I had to take it on faith from others here that this was the right path- even if it's painful, scary, terrifying. I relate to you words on this question. You survived. You - she- did nothing wrong. It's okay to feel the way you. Your not alone.
((((Safe hugs, tears, and gratitude))))

 

You told me to write my memories.
To get them out.
And then,
To destroy them.
But I find I can't.
Because by doing that,
Am I not also destroying myself?
 

 

This is so terribly difficult.  To live a normal life until now has meant that your memories were buried and denied.  Therapy means reviving them with the express intention of being able to draw their poison and render them harmless - in a sense to kill them, and it is hard to know precisely how this is different from the denial you had before.  In my case, every instinct protests against it.  I wrote to my T a long time ago "I've discovered, to my shame, that it is difficult to let go of the abuse because right now it's my point of reference and what tethers me to my life - I feel like the very thing that hurt me is the only thing I own."

 

Feeling your pain and confusion. :hug:

" I wrote to my T a long time ago "I've discovered, to my shame, that it is difficult to let go of the abuse because right now it's my point of reference and what tethers me to my life - I feel like the very thing that hurt me is the only thing I own."" Yes. That's exactly how I feel. Thank you for being so kind and sharing this with me. It helps - a lot. ((((Thankful hugs))))

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