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The Garden in my Head *TW*

Posted by Mand , 21 March 2014 · 144 views

I didn't realise what fertile soil there was,
In the Garden in my head.
But you became an unexpected gardener,
Who began to sew seeds.
Seeds that sometimes died,
Sometimes flourished instantly,
And sometimes.
Sometimes they lay dormant.
But these were strong.
Maybe the most powerful ones of all.
They sent down their roots, down, down, down,
Into the deepest, most secret vaults of my mind.

I remember the first seed,
Many months ago.
We talked about touch.
And you frowned at the surface answers I gave,
You recognised, I think, my self deception.
When you said "That makes no sense- there is no sexual touch in swimming....."
And you were right.
There wasn't.
Not with my squad.
But he taught me to swim,
When I was 3.

Then you asked about my name,
Why I didn't like it.
And there was only one person who ever used it.
We chatted some more,
And another seed was sewn,
What you said about alcohol,
And it's affects on your husband,
On men, I think, in general.
And I told you the next week how it repulsed me,
And you asked "Why?"
And I couldn't answer.

And so many seeds,
Over so much time, ("Men have a funny look on their face during sex")
Growing and growing, ("I don't keep porn in the house, I won't have it")

They shattered my vault.
Already weakened when you -
You clever, sneaky, woman,
Used the word 'Gate'.
A flimsy structure,
Not thick and strong and secure,
Like my iron vault.

So I find myself walking a new path.
One that I have no map for.
No route.
It meanders on and I don't know where it is going.
But I see,
I think,
Flowers and sunshine,
As I walk through this dark wood,
There is definitely hope,joy,
Happiness and peace to be found.
Sadness, despair and grief-
They are on this journey too.
But that's ok,
Because that is life,
That is how I know I am living.

Mar 21 2014 12:21 PM



and moving.


(also reminds me that having no map is a scary feeling)

This is very moving.

Hmmm... Trixie people, indeed, these Ts. Glad you have someone you trust by your side and in your corner. ((Hugs))

Thanks all. Wrote this then zonked out for an hour. My T told me to recognise how well I had done in coping today. To allow myself to rest. I slept so deeply, I was so disorientated when I awoke. My mind is still slightly 'scattered' but I don't feel that my path is so foggy. At the moment.........


This healing lark is a funny thing, but I am so very determined that I will not give in. I am ME, and I deserve love and kindness, so I know I need to start giving it to myself........then I can accept it from others......

Mar 21 2014 06:45 PM

Mand, so many "Yeses" to what you said in the post and in your comment.

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