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The Calm

Posted by Mand , 16 March 2014 · 69 views

I have avoided my house of Mand's for a while. I entered such a shocking state of turmoil and pain after my last session with my T, when I spoke about The Silent One for the first time, that I have not been able to go there. Instead I have felt anger. This is so unusual - this red emotion. I have had to work hard on not lashing out at my DH or children, because this anger does not belong to them. This anger belongs - and I can't believe how hard I am finding typing this- to my mum.

I am a mother. I carried my babies for 9 months under my heart. And when they were born, I carried them in a sling next to my heart. I could NEVER have put them in a pram and left them to cry down the bottom of the garden. I can forgive her because I can only assume there was some sort if PND going on. But this act is what started the ball rolling. Why I am like I am. Oh- I accept that others have their responsibility- I did not force my father to drink and hit me- that was his choice as an adult - not mine. And the stuff in the vault? I know I was under 5, so again NOT MY FAULT.

So, I close my eyes. Wicked Mand is playing with Manderoo in the garden - I am going to have to keep an eye on those two. The Bad Parent is standing at the door watching them, waiting for an excuse to hurt them. The teen is being helpful - she is mowing the lawn. I feel great relief as The Silent One is not dominant now. So, where is she? Oh. She is under the bed in the box room. Curled up. Her back to me. Me - I am Maternal Mand. So I shall sit by the bed. I shall wait for her to come out. She does not want me to touch her I can sense this. I think.....I think she is upset because I don't want to open the vault. She doesn't get angry. She just gets hurt. And I think I am hurting her. I'm sorry little one. So sorry. But I can't. Not yet. Give me time. I am not rejecting you. I just need time.

I have just realised something. The Inner Bitch has gone. For now, she is not in my house of Mand's. The teen is being helpful. She is happy. Does this mean I have accepted her? Have I started to integrate? I feel exhilarated. Wow.

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