And my waking thought was-
"Enough, I can take no more,
I can't go back,
I can't explore anymore"
Luckily, you have equipped me with certain skills,
Ones that enable me to step back,
To be objective.
So, I listed my internal monologue,
My emotions, thoughts and feelings,
So I could rationally understand why I thought this,
What is going on.
And I can only say it is because something,
Something, something has changed.
It is like a crack.
A giant crack inside,
With little cracks radiating out.
So, there is fear, anxiety, resistance.
Resistance - a 3 syllable word that encompasses so much.
And I have to explore why,
What am I resisting?
Me, who relishes physical pain,
Who uses it as a control,
Is sent running from emotion.
I can't control emotional pain.
For me it is almost random.
I don't understand it,
Therefore I can't control it.
So, I need to understand my emotions.
That is part one.
As for the rest?
I can't go there.
I think I have decided I won't.
And again, that 3 syllable word.
This is resistance.
Please, all I can ask,
Keep me safe.
I will keep me safe too.
I know, ultimately, this is my choice,
But I might have to lean on you.
I don't know.
At the moment, when I look to the future,
It is blank. Grey. Dark.
There is nothing there.
My past is a churning mess.
My present, actually feels quite calm.
So, for now, I think,
I am going to stay here,
In my present.
Because that is where I am safe,
And for that, thank you.