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Oh My. Post T. What have I done.....

Posted by Mand , 13 March 2014 · 162 views

Ok. Interesting session with T today. She had given me homework. "Mand, I want you to draw a daisy. On each petal , I want you to put your thoughts/feelings, characteristics about yourself". I turn up today telling her how hard I found it, how I nearly 'forgot' to bring it....
She looks at it, she looks at me. She tells me she is not surprised by what I have done. "What do you mean?" I ask. "Why did you struggle?" she counters. So, I tell her. Initially I thought it would be one giant daisy, with all petals connected to a centre, but I couldn't do it, it felt wrong. So instead, I drew a central flower, and connected to the stem were 9 different flowers, all in a different colours, all showing, mostly, different things. She tells me that the colours I used tell her a lot. The 3 flowers that have the same as the central flower (that I labelled as 'ME') share characteristics. So, I have ME, maternal Mand, Intelligent Mand and ME. The 6 vulnerable, 'negative ones' are totally separate.
As you can imagine (I hope!) realising that you are effectively rejecting 2/3's of yourself explains why I have so many difficulties in accepting me...
I won't go into the discussion, it was exhausting and in depth, but basically she sais (and she is sooooooo very right) that I allow these negative Mand's to dominate. So I know have to work on allowing ME to be ME and allow aspects of these others in, in  moderation. And I don't yet understand how I can do this.....
But the Silent One came in. I managed to tell her. And she said "When I worked with the sex offenders (she was a forensic counsellor for years), I used to sit in silence. Because silence meant that they would start talking to fill that silence. What do you think the Silent One is trying to tell you? Does she want you to fill the silence for her?
And I said "I can't go there". She said "If the silence is not affecting you, that is fine. If it is, then you need to". And there is a frustrating blank in my session with her. I don't know which Mand took over. I remember shivering with cold, I had put my coat on, I was leaving, and I was standing on the radiator. And I HATE this, because I know I said/did something that I have now 'blocked'......This is so frustrating, because I am working so hard at being ME with her, of staying present.
And a few hours later I found myself texting her. I know the Silent One needs me to talk, Because maybe then the nightmares will stop. Maybe then I will stop drinking. Maybe then I will be able to sleep without nightmares. But as I texted her, giving the Silent One a voice means opening an Iron Vault. If I open it, she must be with me, to keep me safe.....But I don't know when I will go there with her, if I will. I don't know if I want to....
And this was my day, this is my initial processing, and I know it will continue and I am scared and excited and curious as to where it will go......

It sounds as if you made a lot of progress this last session.  No words to offer except to let you know that I am sitting with you. 

Mar 13 2014 02:32 PM

To light your way.
Mar 13 2014 02:38 PM

I understand about "opening the iron vault". It can be terribly scary. One thing that helped me find courage was when T helped to put it in perspective....

Whatever's in the iron vault, no matter how horrible it is, you've already survived it.


This in no way minimizes the pain/grief/rage/horror/anger/fear/whatever-it-is.  It's not fun.  But.  You Have Already Survived It.  This is no small thing.  Having survived in real life whatever lies in your vault, you already know you will survive looking at it in the past.


Sending good thoughts, and all my compassion. 

Thanks Nebulas.


Yes Yarn, there is great wisdom and truth in what you say. It is, I think the fear of the dichotomy that occurs between the child perspective and the adult one. If I open the vault, then I get a different perspective. My child perspective is 'safe' because I don't know really what it means. My adult one comes with adult understanding. this has happened to me once when I realised what happened to me as a teen. I don't know if I want or need to open up anymore.


But contemplating what my T said in relation to my current functioning, then , yes. I need to. But I don't want too.....

Mar 13 2014 04:34 PM

I hear you.  It's a recurring conversation that my T and I have.  I say "I don't want this."  T says "I know. I'm sorry."


Be kind to you.  You've been doing a lot.

Mar 13 2014 08:24 PM

Sounds like you both have a good T Mand and yarnfoolishness.


I'm happy to hear that, and thanks to both of you for sharing. Hope you feel better once the vault is empty Mand.

Mar 13 2014 11:42 PM

There is treasure in that vault and it belongs to you.


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