The state of the inner Mand's - still suprising me.
As I drove home from riding, I decided to check on my Mand's. I imagine them in a country farmhouse. It's a beautiful, ramshackle building, made of warm, yellow Cotswold stone. There is a stable, and apple trees for climbing in the garden. There is a dark shed in one corner, and a green house where tender shoots are sprouting in another, by the vegetable plot.
Today, Manderoo is at the table, colouring. Maternal Mand is with her, she is baking. Teenage Mand is lurking by the shed, looking a bit sullen and bedraggled, and having a puff on a sneak fag. Inner bitch is upstairs. She is in her bedroom. She has locked the door. I think she is sulking. At least, it doesn't feel that she is planning anything sneaky. The Bad Parent is nowhere to be seen. She is out at the moment. Wicked Mand is happy. She is up an apple tree, swinging her legs. She's been a little naughty, she has a short skirt on and is thinking naughty, sexual thoughts. I need to keep an eye on her, she can be dangerous in this mood.
And then the whammy. There are too more children here. One is hiding. She is crying in the bathroom. She has pulled a towel over her. She has wet herself and is sore and frightened. And the other child is lying on the bottom bunk bed in the box room. She is just there. She is not moving. Her eyes are open. But she is not there. Because if she is still and quiet, she doesn't have to exist.
These two have scared me. I have not realised their existence before. I don't know what to do with them.
Do I tell my T?