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The state of the inner Mand's - still suprising me.

Posted by Mand , 06 March 2014 · 201 views

After T, I had organised my weekly horse riding lesson. The therapeutic value of having to concentrate on the horse is amazing. It always snaps me out of my 'darker' places. And I have learnt, over the many months I have been with T, that after a few hours of 'riding high', I crash, as the seeds she has planted start to germinate and take root. So, I decided that as I was off work, to coincide the two. I am glad I did.
As I drove home from riding, I decided to check on my Mand's. I imagine them in a country farmhouse. It's a beautiful, ramshackle building, made of warm, yellow Cotswold stone. There is a stable, and apple trees for climbing in the garden. There is a dark shed in one corner, and a green house where tender shoots are sprouting in another, by the vegetable plot.
Today, Manderoo is at the table, colouring. Maternal Mand is with her, she is baking. Teenage Mand is lurking by the shed, looking a bit sullen and bedraggled, and having a puff on a sneak fag. Inner bitch is upstairs. She is in her bedroom. She has locked the door. I think she is sulking. At least, it doesn't feel that she is planning anything sneaky. The Bad Parent is nowhere to be seen. She is out at the moment. Wicked Mand is happy. She is up an apple tree, swinging her legs. She's been a little naughty, she has a short skirt on and is thinking naughty, sexual thoughts. I need to keep an eye on her, she can be dangerous in this mood.
And then the whammy. There are too more children here. One is hiding. She is crying in the bathroom. She has pulled a towel over her. She has wet herself and is sore and frightened. And the other child is lying on the bottom bunk bed in the box room. She is just there. She is not moving. Her eyes are open. But she is not there. Because if she is still and quiet, she doesn't have to exist.
These two have scared me. I have not realised their existence before. I don't know what to do with them.
Do I tell my T?

I think yes, you tell your T, but at whenever the right time is for you...

All the Mands are special, including the 'difficult' ones - they all deserve love and nurturing.

Sending compassion to all parts of you.

This is a hard journey, isn't it Susanna. It is exhausting. Sometimes I want to put the lid on the box, lock it up, and not go there again. But I now know that way madness lies.....

Mar 06 2014 01:57 PM

yes, Mand, do tell/discuss that with T.


it started recently for me... my alters talk to each other and even have heated arguments. so far, the good, loving, caring, and motherly voices win over. the more wild, unpredictable ad/or scared little children trapped inside of me need constant attention from the more "grown-ups" me. this helps avoid bouts of SH/SI and other dangerous behaviors.


the very quiet one that just sits there and exists, being very quiet. I have this one, too. she is icy cold, numb, won't move, eyes wide open, fragile as glass. I make sure to spend time (mentally) with her. I just sit there by her side, not hugging, not speaking, since she doesn't want me to just yet, just staying by her side for as long as she needs so that she can know she is loved by present-day me. she is my 5yrs old self, and as her future self, I feel it is my duty to travel back in time so I think about her, show that I care, and assure her that almost 40 yrs later, I'm still around.

Mar 06 2014 01:59 PM

but the constant attention I mentioned earlier can be exhausting, too. this is why it is a hard journey, Mand.


sitting with you for a while if OK

I don't know why. But this made me cry. ((((hugs)))) if ok.

Mar 06 2014 02:57 PM

Mand -


Yes, do tell T when you're ready. 


I have a little one too, 6 years old.  She doesn't speak, although now she moves about and will even approach me and sit near.  For 2 years she didn't move or speak, so I really feel for your little unmoving one.


I feel for your little one in the bathroom too, hiding under a towel.  I have a younger one who hid under a blanket for a long time.  I feel for her.


I can't help thinking that you must have proven yourself to be trustworthy enough that they would let you see them.  They are willing to take the risk now.  That's why you see them now.  Maybe they trust T now - enough to let you see them.


It's hard.  I know.  These are hurt parts of you and they deserve love and care just as you do.


Sending safe kind thoughts to all of you.

Jeepers - Yarn - this one made me cry too! After all these years of no tears - now so many....? I can only assume that these comments make me true because of the truth that I recognise behind them. This is so very scary.....thank you for being there guys. Thank you for being brave enough to share with me the fact that you recognise this. Because I know how vulnerable and scary this is for me, which means it must be (or has been ) for you too

Mar 06 2014 05:19 PM

Yes.  It does bring the sadness up, doesn't it?  It does for me too.


But there is compassion for us too.  We have it for each other, and we have it from our Ts.


Sending safe kind thoughts to all the parts of you.

Mar 07 2014 06:27 AM

I agree with Yarn: sadness mingled with compassion. (note: I don't believe sadness or tears are negative things, btw...)

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