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Posted by Mand , 06 March 2014 · 130 views

So, today was a success. And I mean SUCESS. I turned up, AND I WAS NOT AFRAID! I told her my fear had gone. "Why do you think that is?" she asked me, her head on one side, a quizzical expression on her face. So I replied "Because I trust you. I - who thought I trusted everyone but actually have realised that I hardly trust anyone - trust you. Because you do not let me control you, and you have not hurt me. Not like others who I trusted have." And she smiled.
 
And we talked some more. I described my inner me's. (Then she said - almost flippantly - "you sound like you have multiple personalities" - and now this is niggling me - was she trying to tell me something? I responded with an equally flippant "Nah, just lots of different bits of me that are seperate but me.....")
 
She has asked me to rename child Mand. I am to give her a nickname. So now, she is called Manderoo. I have to love Manderoo. We discussed my inner bitch. We talked about using her strength (sound familiar Macgyer?!). We talked about maternal Mand, and then, she got me to realise another Mand. The Bad Parent. The Bad Parent is the one who punishes Manderoo. I thought it was the inner bitch, but it is The Bad Parent. And that was like a giant 'click' in my head. So now, when Manderoo throws a tantrum, and seeks out The Bad Parent for punishment, Maternal Mand must step in, and tell Manderoo that it is alright to be frustrated and angry, that I love her, that she does not need to be punished, because she is me.  
 
I told her that I had worked hard at ME being in control, of not allowing my other Mand's to take charge. She said that this was acceptance. I was accepting myself and intergrating these Mand's as part of ME, as ME, rather than as independent of ME. And she feels that with this acceptance, there is another reason why I was not afraid when I turned up today.
 
Now I am exhausted. I had to work hard to stay ME with her. I told her at the start that I was going to make sure that I stayed ME, and at the end I said I thought I had done it. There was a brief period where I had to battle, when I heard myself saying:  "I cannot go there - not if you want ME to stay, because if I do I will go back". And we moved on, although I had to ask her to repeat herself a couple of times because I was working so hard at being ME.
 
She said one thing that triggered something. When she was talking about her husband. About how alcohol made him amorous. And I though "I can't allow hubby NEAR me sexually when he's been drinking. I HATE him in that instant. I hate the look on his face. I had the instant anxiety and fear I feel" And this 'bad' feeling is now rumbling in my gut. This is something I don't want to think about. Where this thought and this feeling came from. This is another trauma from my childhood that I have squirrelled away..........And I guess another opportunity is rising for me to deal and heal. Does this ever end.....?



Does this ever end.....? 

 

I asked that to my therapist a while ago, and she answered me seriously, "No." I then told her I was kidding about the question. She said she knew that but this was something she had to be serious about. We have become pretty close. And at times it feels a lot less like a therapist/client relationship. More open both ways. Less her thinking before speaking. Letting her thoughts come out naturally without a filter.

 

But that's not why I wanted to comment. What I wanted to say is that it sounds fantastic, where you are at this point. It made me feel good reading this post.

Mand, that is very hard work you are doing! It makes me nervous even reading about it because I have much to do that I am not ready for. Good for you! And it does feel never ending. As long as progress is being made, it's a good direction to be moving in.
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angelica1966
Mar 06 2014 08:56 AM

Great work today, my friend smile.png We will have to celebrate smile.png Let's bask on that as yet other doors open...and remember, other doors open because we reach other goals smile.png

 

With you every step of the way smile.png

Sounds like a great session!  Awesome work!

I am simply jealous---but in a good way.

Way to go, Mand.

Thanks all for the support. It is scary and exciting at the same time. It's like I have started running down hill, and I can't now stop, I have passed the event horizon and their is no escape.......

 

Stay safe all on your own journey's, go at your own pace (Lua :-) ), and I'm glad reading this made you feel good Candu. Thank you for reading and responding. It means a lot to me when what I write helps others.

 

A - hope you went well today. Now stop mucking about in Sar's pocket and BEHAVE! She has an important meeting at work and we mustn't distract her ;-)

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