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And we talked some more. I described my inner me's. (Then she said - almost flippantly - "you sound like you have multiple personalities" - and now this is niggling me - was she trying to tell me something? I responded with an equally flippant "Nah, just lots of different bits of me that are seperate but me.....")
She has asked me to rename child Mand. I am to give her a nickname. So now, she is called Manderoo. I have to love Manderoo. We discussed my inner bitch. We talked about using her strength (sound familiar Macgyer?!). We talked about maternal Mand, and then, she got me to realise another Mand. The Bad Parent. The Bad Parent is the one who punishes Manderoo. I thought it was the inner bitch, but it is The Bad Parent. And that was like a giant 'click' in my head. So now, when Manderoo throws a tantrum, and seeks out The Bad Parent for punishment, Maternal Mand must step in, and tell Manderoo that it is alright to be frustrated and angry, that I love her, that she does not need to be punished, because she is me.
I told her that I had worked hard at ME being in control, of not allowing my other Mand's to take charge. She said that this was acceptance. I was accepting myself and intergrating these Mand's as part of ME, as ME, rather than as independent of ME. And she feels that with this acceptance, there is another reason why I was not afraid when I turned up today.
Now I am exhausted. I had to work hard to stay ME with her. I told her at the start that I was going to make sure that I stayed ME, and at the end I said I thought I had done it. There was a brief period where I had to battle, when I heard myself saying: "I cannot go there - not if you want ME to stay, because if I do I will go back". And we moved on, although I had to ask her to repeat herself a couple of times because I was working so hard at being ME.
She said one thing that triggered something. When she was talking about her husband. About how alcohol made him amorous. And I though "I can't allow hubby NEAR me sexually when he's been drinking. I HATE him in that instant. I hate the look on his face. I had the instant anxiety and fear I feel" And this 'bad' feeling is now rumbling in my gut. This is something I don't want to think about. Where this thought and this feeling came from. This is another trauma from my childhood that I have squirrelled away..........And I guess another opportunity is rising for me to deal and heal. Does this ever end.....?