Relationship Confusion in Therapy
I thought of you,
Of about how I felt about you,
Of how you make me feel.
I realised how much you confuse me.
I still don't know, or understand the rules.
It is still unclear about what I am,
Who I am,
In relation to you.
And I explored the many different 'me's',
And was quite surprised to how they replied.
"How does she make you feel?" I asked.
Little Mand came first.
She sits on the floor, her back to you.
She sucks her thumb, and gently scoots backwards,
Until she can softly - so softly you don't feel her or notice that she's there,
She rests her head against your leg.
And she closes her eye and longs for you to notice her,
To caress her soft, silky, corn gold hair.
Then naughty, wicked Mand chirped up.
She likes you.
She doesn't want to make you angry,
But she wants to tease you,
To play you.
She wants you to be sexually attracted to her.
She wants to wind you up and confuse you.
And she wants to make you laugh.
Then cruel bitch Mand sidled in.
She doesn't like you,
You make her angry.
I think, actually, she's frightened of you.
Becuase you are diminishing her power,
Loosening her grip,
And she knows that you will beat her, in the end.
Maternal Mand came next.
She is kind and gentle.
She loves you and wants to look after you.
She has a deep desire for you to need her,
To want her,
To like her.
And strong Mand comes in.
She has a deep respect and admiration for you.
She senses your strength,
As it echoes her own.
In the same way she empathises with your weaknesses,
For that is what makes you human,
And so likeable.
And quietly, at the back, is vulnerable Mand.
Her fear of you is palpable.
I can taste it in my mouth.
She is very still.
She watches and analyses,
She does not move.
Like she is frozen in place,
Afraid you will notice her,
And ask probing questions.
And there is me.
Me, who feels all these Mand's at once.
And I am confused.
But I trust you.
So I go on.