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Mand's Blog


Poems again- my major release at the moment it seems! *TW* SUI, swearing, bullying

Posted by Mand , 30 June 2014 · 132 views

A Darker Place

Does this longing never end?
Does this pain ever go?
Or do I need to recognise and accept,
That something 'broke' within me,
That I need to accept and carry this pain,

I feel so very week,
So very unworthy of you,
So very small.
I feel so frustrated,
At my apparent inability,
To control myself,
To hold things myself.

I feel s...


Shame and therapy

Posted by Mand , 29 June 2014 · 146 views

I am not sure what I am going to write about. So I will think of a title once I've written.

The power of shame has been very much on my mind. Shame stopped me from telling my DH about what was being revealed in counselling. Shame stops me being totally honest with myself. Shame hits me when I think I am being selfish, needy, demanding, clingy. I use the...


Poems- two from yesterday *TW* CSA edited to add one from today

Posted by Mand , 28 June 2014 · 133 views

Without You

One week,
7 days,
I haven't seen you,
I haven't emailed you,
I haven't texted you,
One more week to go.

What do I know?
Despite the fear and hurt,
I have coped.
But when I go to my House of Mand's,
The 12 year old Whore Child is crying.
She is curled up tight,
In a ball on the floor.
And the pain and agony,
The fear and shame radiating o...


Weak and strong- the dichotomy within *TW* alcohol abuse, sex, SH

Posted by Mand , 27 June 2014 · 151 views

Today I am exhausted. I was SO determined to cope 'well' not seeing my T. I was going to prove to everyone how strong I was. What happened showed me that I am still like a new born fawn, my legs are very wobbly and bits of me keep collapsing.

I don't remember deciding to get drunk yesterday. I was on my own for most of the evening. DD was home but spent...



Posted by Mand , 26 June 2014 · 126 views

So, should have been a T night tonight. I asked her a while ago how she knew to keep pushing me. Why- after I had disclosed about my sexual exploits with other children aged 8 and 10, as well as the rapes from my teacher and the various things he made me do, she knew somehow that I still hadn't disclosed everything. She was quite enigmatic in her reply. O...


Managing without my T. Possible *TW* for anything

Posted by Mand , 24 June 2014 · 132 views

I put a TW because I am never sure what I am going to write when I blog. Sometimes I have a very definite idea, and I start writing it out, and before I know it all kinds of stuff has snuck on the page! Other times (like now) I just feel like writing. So let's see - after chosing a title- what my subconscious has been cooking up.

Normally today in my he...


Disclosing to an old friend and the release of tears

Posted by Mand , 22 June 2014 · 110 views

Last night there was an impromptu gathering in my back garden. One of the people there was my best friend of 14 years. Our daughters grew up together- there is only three weeks between them. Over the last two years I have pushed this friend away. I don't have many close friends, and I couldn't cope with allowing myself the comfort of her. She is 13yrs old...


Today's Strength and it's connection to assertiveness - *TW* sexual acts

Posted by Mand , 21 June 2014 · 91 views

Today I feel very strong today. And this is good. I have managed to trace this feeling back to yesterday, when I realised I was in a triggering situation and despite being triggered a) I did not dissociate and b) better than that - I ASSERTED myself!

I was in a meeting with the consultant who reminds me of HIM. I am now aware that when I started working...


Yesterday's T - dissociation discussion. *TW* CSA, SH, SUI

Posted by Mand , 20 June 2014 · 146 views

I was determined yesterday that my session with my T was going to be safe. I hate it when she doesn't see me every week. The last time I didn't see her for three weeks I had a complete breakdown in work that led to my enforced suspension for a month whilst I 'sorted myself out'. So my T being away is not accompanied by good feelings.

A while back - befo...


T away- yes- I am actually going to ask for something for me. Miracles do happen

Posted by Mand , 20 June 2014 · 108 views

Hi all.

I will blog about my session with T later - it was very interesting and safe and all about my dissociation (useful timing after what happened earlier this week!) . I have awoken this morning in total panic/fear. Sent my T this text which explains things:

"Hi T,

Ok. I know this is irrational. I have TD'd it, but can you tell me why on earth my...

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