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Mand's Blog


The cracks

Posted by Mand , 15 March 2014 · 129 views

I woke this morning,
And my waking thought was-
"Enough, I can take no more,
I can't go back,
I can't explore anymore"

Luckily, you have equipped me with certain skills,
New skills,
Ones that enable me to step back,
To be objective.

So, I listed my internal monologue,
My emotions, thoughts and feelings,
So I could rationally understand why I thought th...


Do I really want to open the vault?

Posted by Mand , 14 March 2014 · 118 views

I slept well last night. I expected too. I ensured that I was totally exhausted after seeing my T by cycling the 8 miles to my riding lesson and back again. Wicked Mand snuck in and I found myself in a pub, looking for a man to buy me a drink, then I heard my T come in. "Allow the negative ones in, but YOU stay in charge. So I bought myself a G and T, sat...


Oh My. Post T. What have I done.....

Posted by Mand , 13 March 2014 · 163 views

Ok. Interesting session with T today. She had given me homework. "Mand, I want you to draw a daisy. On each petal , I want you to put your thoughts/feelings, characteristics about yourself". I turn up today telling her how hard I found it, how I nearly 'forgot' to bring it....
She looks at it, she looks at me. She tells me she is not surprised by w...


The Silence is growing

Posted by Mand , 12 March 2014 · 118 views

Usually by now, I am starting to feel anxious, fearful about seeing my T tomorrow. Instead, I notice I am feeling....nothing. There is no excitement, no anticipation at seeing her. Instead, I have an inner silence. And the silence is growing. It is now outside as well as inside. My family are saying "Are you alright You are very quiet". And I smile and sa...


The Silent One is more prominant

Posted by Mand , 11 March 2014 · 132 views

I have had a fab day. Excellent training day with some high brow peeps. Kept my end up. I was not intimidated, I was intelligent. I did not 'misbehave'. I stayed in charge of my Mand's, and was ME. I had a good night last night. Only 1 waking, so a good 6 hours sleep split into 3 hours each is a good night - an excellent night.
I came home, and aft...


Expressing emotions - my perspective vs the world

Posted by Mand , 10 March 2014 · 134 views

Just had an interesting conversation with my hubby. I was aware after talking with my T last week, that she feels one of my issues is my complete failure to realise how I come across to others. So,when I thought I was angry and I confronted her with my anger, I felt angry and inside I thought I was shouting at her. She told me I was cold and calculating a...


What is happening to my Mand's? (TW swearing)

Posted by Mand , 09 March 2014 · 162 views

I am pleased that I managed to not SH. When DD triggered me, and Manderoo was ready to be punished, Maternal Mand stepped. She comforted and reassured Manderoo. And after several hours, I felt 'safe'. But now.....now I am feeling angry. And I don't 'do' anger. Not really. Because anger=pain and violence and not being safe. So I look to my inner land scape...


Triggering situation that usually leads to SH, but so far hasn't.

Posted by Mand , 09 March 2014 · 149 views

So. It is Sunday. The sun is shinning. I had a trigger occur with hubby, but after church - that is now worked through, the feeling has disappeared. I was in the kitchen with DD. she is very aggressive with me. Everything I say is wrong. Everything I do is an annoyance. Whether it be words of support, asking for help with chores, or just trying to make co...


Letter to my T that I will never send

Posted by Mand , 08 March 2014 · 173 views

I keep waiting for my love for you to diminish. But it doesn't. It still blazes as strong as ever. I would still go to you, if you wanted me that way, but I know you don't.

I think the hurt I feel is my unrequited love for you. But that's ok. I am undeserving of your love any way. And I know it wouldn't be right. I know that it would cause me too much h...


An oasis of calm

Posted by Mand , 08 March 2014 · 108 views

Today, all is quiet in my farmhouse of Cotswold stone. For those of you who have read my earlier posts, you will know that this is where, in my mind, my Mand's live. And today, it is calm. They are all together in the kitchen. Maternal Mand has made some food. Manderoo and the Silent Child are playing under the table. The inner bitch is sat playing with s...

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