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Mand's Blog


The Vulnerability Caused by Blogging

Posted by Mand , 22 March 2014 · 363 views

I realised that the last poem I posted has left me feeling vulnerable. Very VERY vulnerable. Its a funny thing, but when I write, I do so for two reasons. One is to get my thoughts down, to get coherence to what Is happening within me, so I can look at it and help myself gain insight into my healing, and this weird journey I find myself on.
The sec...


Circling. *TW*

Posted by Mand , 22 March 2014 · 158 views

When we spoke,
I told you about the memories.
The were a deluge,
A flood.
What was a small drop,
A trickle,
Became a torrent,
A wave,
And I am being battered by them,
I can't control them,
No more than I can describe colour to a blind person,
Or hold a handful of water.
I can be mid conversation with my son,
And like a cranky...


The Garden in my Head *TW*

Posted by Mand , 21 March 2014 · 149 views

I didn't realise what fertile soil there was,
In the Garden in my head.
But you became an unexpected gardener,
Who began to sew seeds.
Seeds that sometimes died,
Sometimes flourished instantly,
And sometimes.
Sometimes they lay dormant.
But these were strong.
Maybe the most powerful ones of all.
They sent down their roots, down, down, down,
Into th...


Initial Post T reflections from opening the vault

Posted by Mand , 20 March 2014 · 151 views

Wow. I mean WOW. So, the reason I shattered over the past few days is I opened my vault. And I looked inside.....I am not going to say on this forum what I saw, what memories came out. I have realised that I will never be one of those who has the courage to publically acknowledge my story. I have shared with a very few, and with that, I am comfortable. Pl...



Posted by Mand , 20 March 2014 · 117 views

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just allowed my mind to go. Yesterday, I felt like it was trying to shatter into a thousand pieces, and it was only by my shear strength of will that I kept it as a cohesive whole. But I found myself thinking, why am I bothering? What is the point? Would it really be so very bad if I just relaxed and let my mind s...


The Blankness

Posted by Mand , 18 March 2014 · 112 views

I am blank.
The blankness is in me.
The blankness surrounds me.
I am, I have become, the blankness.
It started as a small spot,
An oasis of clam amidst the turmoil of my mind,
But now....
It has taken over.
Like a tendril that grew and grew,
The blankness has taken over.
It is calm and soothing,
Like the silken feel of water on...


The Fog

Posted by Mand , 18 March 2014 · 110 views

It is the weirdest thing , my fogginess. I think I am pushing myself too hard. The perfectionist in me, the high achiever, wants to be the best, most hard working and successful client my T has ever had. And of course, I need to heal for ME, with her, not FOR her. Another Pandy's pal suggested I take it easy. And she is right. I work so hard, I always hav...


Tired, but ok.

Posted by Mand , 17 March 2014 · 101 views

I was hoping, after how I felt yesterday, how deliciously tired I was, that I would sleep well. I climbed into bed, and my limbs instantly relaxed and I felt that I could just float away. And I did. For about 2 hours. Then the usual pattern of snatches of sleep with unremembered nightmares, shaking, sweating........*sigh*. What is sad is how used I am to...


Dissociation, integration and healing- my personal thoughts

Posted by Mand , 16 March 2014 · 160 views

What I have noticed, what I now think. The resistance in me occurs due to an awareness that by looking at an event in my past objectively as an adult, means I am going to have a dramatic change about my perception of it. In my mind, my child perspective is 'safe', because it is not causing me 'pain' in a conscious sense. It is locked up too tight.



The Calm

Posted by Mand , 16 March 2014 · 109 views

I have avoided my house of Mand's for a while. I entered such a shocking state of turmoil and pain after my last session with my T, when I spoke about The Silent One for the first time, that I have not been able to go there. Instead I have felt anger. This is so unusual - this red emotion. I have had to work hard on not lashing out at my DH or children, b...

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