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Mand's Blog


The Darkness *TW* Sui

Posted by Mand , 22 September 2014 · 33 views

I am always rather bemused by days like today. I trundle along, perfectly happy. I get on with my job- which I love - then I hit a wall. In my head, it's like a Tiny Toons comic moment. We've all seen them. The one where there's a rake or some such similar object, and the poor cartoon character unwittingly steps on it, and it springs up, clonking them in...


Letter to T *TW* CSA, SH, Swearing

Posted by Mand , 21 September 2014 · 98 views

"Hi T.

Yeah I know, I promised no more emails. I think we've ascertained I can talk bollocks about boundaries when I need to. Because if I don't write this. Don't send this. I might just self destruct so completely, so utterly.

I have spent the the last two days travelling to and from Durham with DH and DD for her uni open day. 13 hrs (thanks to traff...


T and my anger *TW* Rape, violence, swearing, SH

Posted by Mand , 16 September 2014 · 98 views

My T session yesterday was enlightening.

Well. So. Anger. Yes. This was an interesting one. I talked about (first) how shit I was in managing without her. "But you don't NEED me Mandy". She said. Ow. Now, I'd decided yesterday that I have to identify -when I am with her- when she says something that causes a negative thought spiral that causes me to fee...


*TW* CSA, swearing, for sure, violence. Rage. Anger.

Posted by Mand , 14 September 2014 · 101 views

Anger and confusion. I am trying to figure out why I am angry. I have been angry for well over a week. I don't know what to do with it. Where to put it. I don't know how to safely express it. I use exercise- good- but it's almost like this fans the flames of my anger, gives fuel and feeds the dragon. I see my anger as a dragon that has taken up residence...


Opening the box. Closing the box. Box bursts open. *TW* SH, CSA, swearing

Posted by Mand , 12 September 2014 · 103 views

Why are emotions so confusing? How is it that others seem to manage them with such simple ease? You see the shifting emotions flit across the faces of others. You read their emotions in their bodies, their voices. They are felt, expressed, then others move on.

But for me......

Since I worked hard at integrating my child selves, emotions have been inten...


The vulnerability exposed by needing my T. *TW* swearing, SH

Posted by Mand , 10 September 2014 · 92 views

It's interesting. I've noticed multiple people are on this same point on their healing journey. Once I realised that I NEEDED my T, that I had made myself vulnerable to her, my protector leaped into action. This protector was galvanised to make her move by the way my T handled my plea for help after my anger became almost unbearable after my conversation...


One step closer to healing *TW* CSA

Posted by Mand , 08 September 2014 · 65 views

Tonight's session with my T was......well......it was bloody brilliant. I read my 'email'. So, she said "Right, let me start answering some of the questions you asked."

Firstly, she addressed my concern that I had deceived her. She said that as a therapist, she accepts people for who they are. If - as I started to open up about my abuse, she had felt in...


What is 'normal' anyway? *TW*CSA, swearing

Posted by Mand , 04 September 2014 · 74 views

Three days. Three WHOLE days of sleeping, eating, normal, happy me. The Mandy I was before my first break down over 2 years ago. I had forgotten what it was like, to feel 'normal'. But what is 'normal'? This illusive goal we aim for.
I have not changed. The person who I was before I faced my sexual abuse is still present and correct. Yet I am chang...


Family triggers and Therapy paradox *TW* CSA, SH, swearing

Posted by Mand , 01 September 2014 · 77 views

Last night, I had a phone conversation with my mum. I was talking with her about my recent holiday to Cyprus. Then I remembered my brother telling me that we had been as a family to Cyprus twice- not once. I can't remember it. I thought he was mistaken. I asked mum. "You mean you don't remember? Honestly Mand - that's odd that you who has such a good mem...


Letter to my T *TW* CSA, Sui

Posted by Mand , 29 August 2014 · 68 views

My last session with my T was intense. I had sent some emails that led to a discussion about my 'rules' that I make. She pointed out that I make them to prevent myself being overwhelmed by negative emotions. But that actually, they are rules that I will inevitably fail at keeping that they impose an impossibly high expectation on myself that I would never...

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