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broken sleep

Posted by whodatninja , 08 February 2014 · 31 views

This is going to drive me crazy. The constant nightmares every time i fucking drop off. I had the dream about being restrained in that cold room and that shadowy orderly raping me again but he had RJ's voice saying his usual bullshit to me. i broke another tooth from grinding my teeth so hard. i can't even cry anymore, i'm too pissed off more than upset....


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grinding

Posted by whodatninja , 08 February 2014 · 30 views

my face and teeth hurt. i didn't realise how much stress i was under until my jaw started clicking again. i was grinding my teeth hard. at least i didn't break another tooth. i'm so pissed off with my family and my fake friends and my therapist. i have a horrible stomachache right now. i'm going to have a smoke and pass out. i can't force myself awake any...


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too tired to move

Posted by whodatninja , 08 February 2014 · 38 views

i tried to get up so i could go to the store so i could get some wine and maybe shut up the shit in my brain and my legs won't move. i'm exhausted from fighting sleep all week. i'm afraid of closing my eyes and having another nightmare. i feel so gross and dirty right now. tomorrow's sunday. one more day until monday, i plan to show up at my t's office an...


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going out

Posted by whodatninja , 08 February 2014 · 48 views

i got a message from crackhead D and i damn near busted my phone. he only calls me when he wants me to come over, do drugs, get drunk, and "fool around", like i got nothing else to do in my life but wait on his stupid ass and get high. i keep telling him i don't do that anymore. he only calls me when he's high otherwise after the first week of the month i...


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constant state i don't want to be in

Posted by whodatninja , 08 February 2014 · 40 views

i hate these disgusting feelings. i desperately wanted to go to the store to get booze. i found 5 dollars in my jeans while sorting to ready for laundry! yes! sangria time!! but i was so foggy and inattentive i left my damn purse on the counter. i had to knock on the door to be let back in. mom yelled at me for being stupid and i told her i'm going to bed...


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delete everything

Posted by whodatninja , 08 February 2014 · 67 views

i posted my story again, deleted it. i put it on forum, but didn't hit the post button. i'm curled up in bed right now with the phone exhausted and too scared to sleep. nobody beleives me, nobody will listen to me. my story is utter bullshit. it's all made up. i know they're going to call me a liar. they always call me a liar. they say i'm too emotional t...


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work is suffering

Posted by whodatninja , 08 February 2014 · 39 views

the lack of sleep is fucking up my work. i'm starting to forget everything, even important things, like my purse or phone or shoes. i stepped outside and i still had on my house shoes. today i had to clock in to work and i left my purse on the kitchen counter. i called in sick today. i can't do it,. but the assignment is due tomorrow. krishna help me, thi...


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heated

Posted by whodatninja , 08 February 2014 · 39 views

sister bitched at me about my constant tiredness saying my room is too hot. because she likes the cold don't mean I do. she always saying I need to toughen up and its not that cold and stop bitching. she don't know shit. I wish she leave me alone and stop prying into my life. she don't know why I can't sleep and I can't tell her. she can kick rocks


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that girl

Posted by whodatninja , 08 February 2014 · 31 views

i had another nightmare yet again, but this time about that girl who raped me when i went to the girl's school. i started thinking about this body i hate so much. i know i'm a boy, i knew this since i was little, but i had to keep pretending i was a girl. i'm looking at my closets and inside are all men's clothes. every last one of them. i hide my ties th...


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on mute

Posted by whodatninja , 08 February 2014 · 58 views

RJ texted and called me all night. i'm glad i turned off my phone. he would've bullied me to come over. knowing my weakness, i would've said yes despite my hatred of him. i didn't sleep very well. the nightmares are much much worse now. between him, and this month, and the cold, and CC's birthday coming up and the guilt and the constant pain and the fear...






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... then you know I don't put in trigger.gif labels. Welcome inside my head. You've been warned.

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.