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dirty filthy thing

Posted by whodatninja , 07 February 2014 · 85 views

i had dreamed about that shadow monster raping me again while i was tied to the bed. but then the dream changed. it was CC and saying all the negative things i hated to hear (you can't whitewash a mud fence, etc ) and she was yelling at me, i know you like it, don't you? i know you want it, don't you? you enjoy this sort of thing you piece of shit. you wo...


against the wall

Posted by whodatninja , 07 February 2014 · 90 views

went to dinner with VW at some chinese place. we got the wrong orders but i wanted to drink and i didn't care at this point. i wanted to stop hurting and stop thinking about it. but i was still cold and no matter how much wine i had, it wasn't enough. we called it in early cos we both had to clock in tomorrow for overtime. i got some new assignments i nee...


a growing hatred

Posted by whodatninja , 07 February 2014 · 122 views

I'm starting to hate my body. it's betraying me. though i tried to calm myself down (said the krishna mantra several times), i'm shaking like a goddamn leaf. the coworkers think i'm cold so i put my jacket on but the shaking hasn't quelled. now the flashbacks are starting and everything i thought i forgot is coming at me full force. krishna help me i can'...


freaking out

Posted by whodatninja , 07 February 2014 · 84 views

I'm having a panic attack because its too fucking cold in the office and the body memories are getting worse like he's right fucking there and I can't shake him. I'm hiding in the bathroom chain smoking trying to calm but my coworkers are looking for me and I got work to finish. Krishna help me this is getting too difficult


trying to keep it together

Posted by whodatninja , 07 February 2014 · 82 views

diving head first into work to keep my mind off how shitty i feel. i got some new assignments so maybe if i focus on work and do my best, i won't have to think. i have my music to drive away the dark thoughts. i don't want to focus on the feels right now. until i clock out and i'm back in bed then i'll rock myself to sleep. until then, work needs to get d...


the mask is cracking

Posted by whodatninja , 07 February 2014 · 85 views

my face hurts from having to smile and pretend everything is fine when it isn't. my face hurts when I have to tell my family I'm ok and I know I'm lying through my goddamn teeth and they know I'm lying and they know something is wrong but they can't do anything about it but what can they do not a goddamn thing because if I told them which I won't they wo...


back to the grind

Posted by whodatninja , 07 February 2014 · 112 views

I had to get out of bed and get shit done. i couldn't stay in my room any longer. my coworkers are calling me with their shit and i got projects due. my family is like why are you so tired? don't stress so much. it'll go away. pray on it. blah fucking blah. yeah, i keep pretending i'm fine, that i'm not dirty, that i'm awake. i slug coffee during the day...


sick as hell

Posted by whodatninja , 07 February 2014 · 136 views

i'm so tired of fighting sleep. i hadn't heard anything from my t all week since i told him. i'm so sick of the nightmares, it's making it hard to concentrate during the day when i have to work. i'm getting behind in my work. i wish i could just tell my story and be done with it. i realise i can't even form the words, let alone type them, hell, can't even...


feeling scared and alone

Posted by whodatninja , 07 February 2014 · 79 views

I miss my grandma and my daddy. i wish grandma was still here so i can crawl in her bed and hold her hand when i have a bad dream. i wish daddy was here so i can curl up beside him and hold his strong calloused hand. i miss daddy. he always smelled of stetson and stale cigarettes. i want them so much to be here right now. why did cancer have to take them...

If you're reading this...

... then you know I don't put in trigger.gif labels. Welcome inside my head. You've been warned.

February 2014


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