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ready scapegoat

Posted by whodatninja , 28 February 2014 · 106 views

I hate that I get blamed for everything in this family. every time something goes wrong breaks or comes up missing I'm the one to blame. even if I'm totally innocent and they find evidence that I am they never apologize. it makes me sick. I just want to torch them it pissed me off to no end


totally super drunk okay not inasmuch

Posted by whodatninja , 28 February 2014 · 127 views

did a lot of drinking today and watching violent movies to quell the noise in my head as I hid in my room. I don't remember what I was watching between awake and sleep and total drunkenness mutation not so much fuckedupedness I just don't want to feel. the baby screamed all day and I wanted to scream but just hit the bottle harder. now I'm sick and brough...



Posted by whodatninja , 28 February 2014 · 107 views

i notice the paranoia is worsening and the hallucinations too. it sucks never knowing what day it is. I constantly have to check. this is why I watch the news. they let me know. I stay in my room but it's not safe there. they always bother me wanting to talk to me about stuff I don't care about but I have to pretend to care. why include me when think so i...


dream in a long time

Posted by whodatninja , 28 February 2014 · 135 views

i didn't take the sleeping pill last night because I knew mom was going to wake me before she left for her doctor appointment. I had a dream of sorts. I had a collar like an animal and was beaten severely with a switch. naked tied down to a table and these officers were really letting my back and legs and bottom have it. they seemed pissed I wasn't saying...


setting off

Posted by whodatninja , 28 February 2014 · 83 views

very sick today from the pain. stumbled into bath eyes still closed puking. family asks me the usual I mumble something about too many sweets and they leave me alone. I'm really nervous now. they're lurking and I got nowhere else to be. soon I'll be looking at DOS again because of bad rep. it's like a cloud. I feel like I'm back in the center again have t...


all in my head

Posted by whodatninja , 28 February 2014 · 91 views

the noise is horrific. too many thoughts I assume that need to come out like via bloodletting but that's barbaric so not going to happen. I can't really say what I feel or think anymore. the thought police are watching. watching me type as I try not to think with. this depersonalised attachment not quote aloof nor disaffected but aware and not acknowledgi...


nothing to own

Posted by whodatninja , 28 February 2014 · 70 views

they took everything from me my sword collection my gun collection my books my art my games... all done with my safety in mind. they monitor everything even what I wrote. I can't even write freely anymore because it's used against me to put me away for adjustments. never mind metaphor and unusual euphemisms all thoughts are bad bad bad. I do everything th...


more mounting hatred

Posted by whodatninja , 28 February 2014 · 127 views

reading others to get my mind off my own problems and I just hate them. every last fucking one. they're so much stronger than me survived much worse and getting help from competent (descriptor). I'm so jealous. green and all sick to the nth degree jealous. I always assume they're not brown like me. because brown gets the shaft. and as a native American it...


not too much

Posted by whodatninja , 28 February 2014 · 79 views

between rocking and pacing the pain has me up and down all night. chugging pink bismuth like strawberry milk my stomach is so messed up right now. I'm concerned but there's no one to tell my concerns to. I take my meds but they don't help. if I dare complain it's a new cocktail of ineffectiveness that slowly destroys what's left of my kidneys liver and wh...



Posted by whodatninja , 28 February 2014 · 69 views

I realise with ever frightening clarity how I'm getting old. I never thought I'd live this long. it depresses me that my family thinks so little of me. I work hard it's never good enough. they tear me down every chance they get. in 3 months I will be 30. I don't want to see 31. I have no life. a nobody doesn't live. they want to run and control my life. I...

If you're reading this...

... then you know I don't put in trigger.gif labels. Welcome inside my head. You've been warned.

February 2014


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