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snapping on the cold

Posted by whodatninja , 02 March 2014 · 136 views

pacing up and down craving a strong drink right now. anything dark- whiskey brandy cognac bourbon rum- cos it's too fucking cold and I got the heater plus space heater and wearing sweats and I'm in so much god awful pain I can barely move. I'm physically nauseous from it. I feel like when I had to dry out in rehab when I went the second time. but these...


a little light

Posted by whodatninja , 02 March 2014 · 107 views

CB just called. he seems to always know when I need to hear from him when things get tough. he couldn't talk long but to hear him reassure me that I will make it and that he truly cares about me and my wellbeing and him not judging me helps me move forward to getting out of here. for my sake and his.

he told me he felt guilty for asking me for money but...


a little less tension

Posted by whodatninja , 02 March 2014 · 139 views

just knowing I have a concrete exit strategy has lessened the inner turmoil, phantom pains and the cravings somewhat. they're still consuming but I know it won't be forever.

the plan is still in the beginning stages but it's in the right direction. I feel a whole mix of emotions at once alternating between relief and fear mainly though. I'm scared I mig...


some kind of desperation

Posted by whodatninja , 02 March 2014 · 75 views

jumped on a chance to get out of here so I can get well. one part of me wants to dump everything and go right now the other part of me is unwilling due to obligations. In a moment of clarity I sat and took a good hard look at myself and went over my blog and read all the entries. I can see I'm on the verge of collapse. it's plain as day. so I'm giving my...


suffer through another day

Posted by whodatninja , 02 March 2014 · 105 views

woke up hearing mom and sister have a big row with sister doing her usual screaming and throwing things. all I catch from it is that she threw out food that was perfectly fine and that's a big thing. mom grew up poor so throwing away food that's not rotten is very bad. one simply don't do that.

sister making noise like she going to run off again which s...


broken sleep

Posted by whodatninja , 02 March 2014 · 124 views

tossed and turned all night. between feeling uncomfortable and sick and shaking and cold sweats since I didn't take a sleeping pill had a nightmare about my brother beating and raping me. in the dreams he really beats the crap out of me with his fists and before I can pass out from the pain he rapes me just as violently. I'm scared sick because he's very...


feeling bad

Posted by whodatninja , 02 March 2014 · 118 views

dreading seeing RJ Monday. playing sad soul music to drown out thoughts. I'm so pissed that he had the nerve to get angry with me because I'm depressed. what the fuck you have to be depressed about he yelled at me. you should be happy. there's nothing for you to be depressed about. I clenched my teeth and told him to forget the matter. because he would ne...



Posted by whodatninja , 02 March 2014 · 96 views

curled up in my room rocking and it feels like my skin is burning where RJ touched me and bit me and I can't stop shaking. in the morning I have to pretend I'm okay. RJ wants to see me Monday and I'm really scared because that's the day I have to run errands and he's off that day so of course he'll happily volunteer to take me. because I take the bus and...



Posted by whodatninja , 02 March 2014 · 102 views

I walked RJ to the door to lock behind him as sister was in shower. he threw me against the wall and covered my mouth with his hand while he used his other to undo my jeans and fondled me. he wanted to take me in the basement but I told him not to because we would both be punished and he said only I would. I kept silent trying not to cry as he bit my neck...



Posted by whodatninja , 02 March 2014 · 70 views

RJ came over late. first I thought it was my sister and was ready to put up with her shitty attitude and was shocked it was him. he noticed I was upset and got angry that I wouldn't tell him. I'm glad I kept my room a wreck because he wanted to punish me for not talking to him. I tried to shoo him out and find my cigarettes because I knew what was going t...

If you're reading this...

... then you know I don't put in trigger.gif labels. Welcome inside my head. You've been warned.

March 2014


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