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Changes to make

Posted by whodatninja , 15 June 2015 · 80 views

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just wasting my time by merely existing. I don't feel particularly needed nor wanted and it is a constant effort to engage and pretend I'm mentally here. If I were to disappear it wouldn't make a dent in anyone else's life. I don't think my existence matters anymore.. I feel like this every time I wake up. If I express how I...


Exhausting nobody

Posted by whodatninja , 14 June 2015 · 85 views

I am tired of pretending. there is so much pressure to be okay and not have problems. Everyone is fine and fair weather when you appear well. It's when you not the hatred piles on. I feel sick having to stay silent. My sudden being agreeable has stupid family thinking I'm high. I just wanted to stop having arguments and getting my stuff destroyed. P...



Posted by whodatninja , 14 June 2015 · 59 views

Everything hurts right now. Every part of me is screaming. And I can't say anything. I'm tossing in bed and can't sleep. Because the pain is unbearable. I just want it to end. I want the flashbacks and the nightmares and the guilt and paranoia and loneliness to stop. It's killing me.


Quitting while ahead

Posted by whodatninja , 13 June 2015 · 105 views

Gave things a lot of thought. I had a different post but erased it because it was insignificant nonsense. I finally had a moment of clarity and realised what I should do with my life. I always sought approval and always doubted my abilities. Everyone else always put me down or hurt me and I never understood why. But now I understand. I have been...


Utterly exhausting

Posted by whodatninja , 13 June 2015 · 74 views

Softly crying myself to sleep waking up dreading the day mindlessly making coffee and off to work with a fake smile plastered on while I daydream of taking my life (which I really won't do but it gets me through the soul destroying day). I put up with more bullshit until I can find my headphones and tune out the world and listen to music depending on how...


A constant pain

Posted by whodatninja , 13 June 2015 · 61 views

The pain I have ignored for so long is really driving me up the wall. I hurt all the time and I try to work through it but it seems to worsen every day. I try not to grimace and don't complain though it hurts to move about. I work much more slowly now to the annoyance of family but as long as I'm silent and get chores done I don't get yelled at.
I don...


Working hard for nothing

Posted by whodatninja , 13 June 2015 · 85 views

Some days it feels like my hard work is all for naught. I smile and pretend I'm fine while inside I'm sad depressed and feel as if life is hopeless. Yes I feel suicial but I'm not going to do anything about it since it is just a wasted attempt. I could scream and still not be heard. No matter where I go the crushing loneliness follows and it's like a...


Not really there

Posted by whodatninja , 12 June 2015 · 43 views

Trying to pretend I'm okay and it's difficult. I no longer speak to family because they rather I exist to be a slave to their whims. Why is it difficult to ask them to be Kinder. I swear I'm losing what sanity I have left being around them. The more I keep to myself the more I feel like I'm falling apart. All I get is negative bullshit from them const...



Posted by whodatninja , 12 June 2015 · 58 views

Had a big row with idiot sister and she has a big stank attitude because I refused to "do what she wants" that is go to the bar spend my money be bored while she with her so called friends that don't give two shits about anyone but themselves. Then she started yelling and throwing stuff but I kept my cool and told her she can step because I don't have t...


Really down

Posted by whodatninja , 11 June 2015 · 68 views

I hate having this diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. It doesn't help I meet the criteria either. But now I'm really being avoided like the plague and it makes the crushing lonliness worse. I keep working hard and pretending I'm fine. Mother knows I'm unhappy but I don't tell her anything and just keep doing the usual staying silent and wor...

If you're reading this...

... then you know I don't put in trigger.gif labels. Welcome inside my head. You've been warned.

November 2015

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