where am i
what about my dreams and aspirations? they tell me it's stupid and get a 'real job'. i know my books aren't for everyone. i know my games aren't for everyone. why keep putting me down? where's the support? the encouragement? i keep thinking of my dad. he always pushed me to do my best. he would've been proud i got as far as i did. he always said to do better, aspire to be more, get further than he did.
he would've been a science or math teacher, instead he became a janitor for 40 years. my mom would've been an english teacher. instead she became a goverment secretary for 20 years. our family have a lot of smart people, in math, science, yet they all settled. for factory jobs. some of the better ones had goverment secretarial jobs. few became teachers. because it's easy. my dad told me not to settle. i know it was harder back then if you're brown and smart to get anywhere in the world. he told me to do great. prove The Man wrong. i tried. the system is against me.
I tried talking to RJ about how I felt and tried to be serious with him, but was ignored. then i realised that i must not have a voice since the people who i thought mattered to them just see me as a nuisance. i can't speak to my mom, my sister, or anyone.
i want to get better and live a happy life. yet every which way i turn, i'm continually ignored. earlier today tried talking to one of my friends about the race riots that are happening here and my frustrations. he did the basic smile and nod. it's too complex for them to understand where i'm coming from. this just convinces me more and more that i'm still nobody, nothing to them. it makes no difference if i'm the couch for an hour, airing my issues, while the clown draws pictures in his notebook and says, 'oh, is that so?'. i don't matter at all to anyone, so i know when i do cut my ties permanently, i leave no mark. fuck these books. fuck these gaming projects. i can't take it anymore.
i'm sick of the invalidation, the minimisation, constantly being told to forgive and forget and move on. i might as well be invisible with my tongue cut out. i'm sick of being told not to think and feel the way i do. this is real. my feelings are real, my thoughts are real. i'm sick of supressing everything under a cloud of mediciations, of alcohol, of street drugs.
i'm going to pretend everything is fine until after my mother's birthday. then i'm cutting out of here. the little money i get, i'll put aside to get a ticket anywhere out of here and just going to go where i can't be found easily. they'll find me after awhile. it's hard to miss a 6 foot tall amazon with the bronze fro. i won't be sorry. i tried my best. they still wouldn't listen and i'm tired of screaming at them to give a damn.
all they're worried about is how much i hurt THEM. but what about me? why don't i matter?
do i have a sign on that says hurt me? i can't be nice to people. i can't trust people. i keep accepting all these things from others. but when i put my foot down, i get punished. stop fucking punishing me for trying to be a person.
i am not an object.
i am not a statistic.
i am not a problem to be fixed.
i am not an annoyance to be swept under the rug.,
i am somebody. i hurt, i feel, i think, i care, i love.
yet i don't matter.
i've made up my mind. the year will end, as will i. so i might have to repeat this life again. oh well. but i know my limits. i'm tired of struggling against the system. i'm tired of living where i don't matter, of being judged because of what i look like. no matter where i moved, i got the same damn response. because i'm brown.
i wonder what my obituary will say. there's no decent pictures of me. they'll probably pull out a lame one. it won't matter as i'm dead then.