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not looking forward to this

Posted by whodatninja , 30 May 2014 · 115 views

i have to sign a contract next week to not kill myself in the next 3 months. i'm not going to sign it. it's my life, and if i want out, then i will. the idiot therapist tried to make me fell guilty about it and i told the woman whatever she wanted to hear. she thinks because i'm not taking medication that my feeling constantly suicidal is some kind of chemical imbalance and some other malarkey. i'm just a problem to be solved, a disease to cure. i'm nobody to those clowns.
no one's ever asked me how i feel, or why i'm sad or why i want to kill myself. i'm constantly getting invalidated and it's really pissing me off. i'm always getting a smile and nod and told to work harder and thingsd will improve. things aren't going to improve.
i tried to tell CC that she can do whatever she wants and stop trying to guilt me too. but it kept raining and i had my laptop with me and no umbrella. when i got back, mother and sister was in my face, bitching how thereapy couldn't have been that long and where was i blah blah blah. never mind it's 2 hours across town or that it rained and i had no umbrella. i don't know what the weather is like because i no longer have a telly, radio or phone. i don't know why they keep trying to watch me so close. i hadn't said or done anything to make them suspicious. and it's really working my last nerve.
i wish they'd leave me alone. i wish people would stop talking to me. i hate making conversation, een if its over mundane bullshit. if i don't answer, they cop an attitude and cuss me out. i don't like being friendly. making "friends" is  stupid idea, just gets other people to hurt me somehow.
i'm not going to this new therapist. i told her i stopped caring about life a long time ago. i got books to write and when i finish i'm gone. the books are stupid anyway since no one's reading them, and i can't sell them, and nobody cares as usual. i just have to admit i'm a no talent hack.

no one's ever asked me how i feel, or why i'm sad or why i want to kill myself

Could you write more here?

It feels like you have a lock on what you write here, that you hint at things rather than saying directly.

It's your choice and could be for many reasons.

But I just wanted to say that I am only interested in how you feel and why you are sad and might want to kill yourself. I mean I do not expect you to 'work harder to get fixed'.

You're not a no talent hack.

May 30 2014 08:47 PM

i'm afraid the mods will censor me or condemn me. this is the only space i have to really speak my mind *somewhat* because mother and sister go through my things looking for any good reason to send me away. i have to keep my laptop with me at all times because my sister will go through my stuff if i leave it long enough (i used to have a desktop, but not anymore.)

If it was just a simple matter of 'working harder' then dayum tell them they have found a cure!!!  Like Susanna I am interested in how you feel. And that you  for sitting with me the other day. It meant a lot.

What you said feels true I mean something about it reads more true to you inside.

It feels like you don't feel safe here.

I know there are (rightly) rules about blogs to keep everyone safe but it feels like even here you are not able to be fully 'you' because you hold so much back and I wish you could be. I don't know if that makes sense or feels right to you.

I wish you had a place you could feel safe.

Say what you can. Let us know something more of you, please. I agree that it isn't about trying. It's about expressing and sharing the pain within, that survivors understand, and others apparently, do not.


I also wish you safety---safe-enough---to breathe your own breaths and speak your own words to us.

If you're reading this...

... then you know I don't put in trigger.gif labels. Welcome inside my head. You've been warned.

September 2015

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