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point of living

Posted by whodatninja , 27 May 2014 · 105 views

i don't fucking get it. i'm sick of waking up every morning. i'm sick of dealing with people. if i could run off somewhere, start over and not interact with another human being, i would. i'm dying out here. i can't trust nobody. i'm sick of getting hurt all the time, of being controlled. i'm still a nobody. i don't want to be here. life is worthless and stupid.



I dreamt I met you last night - really. I was so glad to meet you. I wanted to speak to you more but I had to go.

There is more to life than all this and it is there for you and I believe you will find it when the time is right.

It is my birthday tomorrow. I will be 41 and the 'what is the point of this' question was there last year as I turned 40. I was not feeling as bad as I had, but there was still a 'why bother?' question.

I think I'm saying I really feel for you. 30 is a big deal and right now it feels like you are not clear where you are going in any part of your life. More importantly, IRL there feels like no one really supportive of YOU. Even your T is there 'to fix you' because you are 'a problem' for your family.

So, given all the external cr*p you are dealing with, what is the point?

The point is you. You are intelligent, passionate, visionary, hardworking, committed, dedicated, talented.

There is a great weight, a burden that you are carrying, that is holding you down, preventing you from enjoying all that you are.

I wish you could find someone just to help you make the first steps to make yourself safe and to let go of that burden.

I wonder if you could find another T? Someone for you, not your family? Someone you could go to and say 'I need help. I've been hurt and I can't tell you how or who. I don't want to talk to you but I know I'll have to to heal and I don't know how or if I'll ever manage that, and I don't want you to tell me what I should be doing to be fixed. I want you to help me and I don't know how.'

:metoyou:
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whodatninja
May 27 2014 02:38 AM

thanks and happy birthday :)

 

if i do find another T it will be out of my pocket, as i'm under state insurance and they give me these clowns from a list. the list is getting smaller, as no one wants to deal with the paperwork and even trying to switch there's a long wait. i fought for nearly a year for a new person, only to get another stupid clown. i'm worn out, tired of fighting. i'm trying my best.

I found that doing little things for yourself helped. Small things that bring you some pleasure. 

 

Years ago I stopped drinking coffee because the caffeine seemed to cause me to shake. With what has happened to me in the last few years, I have the shakes (not bad) anyway. So I decided to have a morning coffee at work. They switched to that crap powdered whitener when the last financial downturn happened. I hate that stuff. So I bring in my own cream for my coffee. tea%20smilie.gif  I only have the one cup a day.  Otherwise I drink tea.

 

The good small things add up. And, like I said, it helps. 

If you're reading this...

... then you know I don't put in trigger.gif labels. Welcome inside my head. You've been warned.

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