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yes, there's a chapter 8!

Posted by whodatninja , in my life i wish i didn't have 22 February 2014 · 219 views

i get out with the few clothes i came in with and a bag of pills and was considered 'stable' enough to go home. around this time, it was the spirits that would possess me to get me through the days, dealing with the bullying in school, barely pass my school work, and deal with family at home. i checked out more often and wouldn't speak much. i started writing and getting lost in books because it was a safe world. then mom confiscated all my books because of the doctor's orders. he said i confused reality with fantasy and would act out what i read. so i got a library card. i could check out whatever i wanted and turned them back in so she wouldn't throw away the books i bought with my allowance. then she restricted my card and i had to show her books i checked out. so i started staying at the library to read the books there. i kept slips of paper with notes of where i was reading so if the book was checked out, i had to wait until it came back to finish it.
i didn't handle jr high well and was transferred to another school for disturbed kids and girls who got pregnant. i had a teacher there who saw i was smart and wanted to help me. i thought i could trust him. but then i saw AB there. he would harrass me constantly. the tough, angry, and disturbed spirits would fight viciously and constantly get me suspended. then one day AB cornered me when i was on my way to the restroom. he was waitng for me. he grabbed me from behind and dragged me to the closet. he held me at knifepoint and raped me. i knew i had to kill him and set him on fire. i had to think of a plan. i had to get him when he was unaware like he got me unaware. i didn't say anything.
then one day when we had a class project and me and AB were paired off. he wanted me to do all the work and just put his name on it. i said sure, fine. so when we were sent to the research area, i told him to come with me so he could at least appear to be working. once got him away from anything that could be used against me, i attacked. i broke open the fire extinguisher glass and got out the extinguisher and bashed his head against the wall. when he fell, i bashed his head in with the canister. when the canister slipped from my grip, i used the nearby door and put his face to it until the glass broke. he grabbed for the canister and i pulled it away and kept bashing and bashing until i saw blood. it took three teachers to pull me off. then they called the ambulance. i never heard or saw him. i was expelled. mom yelled at me because she had to pay 700 dollars for repair for the door and the wall and for a new extinguisher.
eventually i was sent to a special education school that was combination. i told them i was no dummy, but it was the only school that would take me. i hated it there. the schoolwork was too easy and the teachers wouldn't give me anything challenging. but then there were new bullies to be bothered with.
i got harassed for wearing old clothes and acting like a boy. there wasn't a day i got my ass handed to me. it upset my parents that i was constantly getting suspended or getting detention. but i kept a B average, wasn't that enough? no, it wasn't. so then i start seeing a counsler there. he was the kind i hated - tall, blond, and blue eyed. but he was big and beefy, like hulk hogan. i hated seeing him, because if i cut up, i had to go into the 'quiet room', basically the same solitary confinement cell that existed at the psych hospital. it was a small room made of concrete with a steel door and had a small bulletproof panel barely two hands wide. it was there he would punish me severely.
when i had to see him, he would tell me i was a horrible person and that girls shouldn't fight. i was being ugly and rude and needed to be a nice girl. i told him i wasn't a girl and i fought because boys put their hands on me. i told him i would fight him too. he took it as a challenge. beause he was a huge wrestler, it wasn't much for him to pin me down and rape me.
i hated that room. it was cold and dark, the same space where the orderly would hurt me. every time i fought the boys, i had to be sent downstairs. there was no dentention, no suspension option for me. because i was visious, i had to be contained. they even had restraints like at the hosptial. but it wasn't a bed, it was a chair like the ones used by cops. instead of handcuffs it was leather restraints. and because it was a chair, he would put me down face first and pull my hair while he raped me. he would tell me if i stopped fighting, the punishments would stop. i would fight anyway when i got sent downstairs because all the horrible memories would come back full force. so i was still losing in the end. if i didn't take my medicines, i was sent downstairs. if i talked back to the teachers, i was sent downstairs. it seemed like there was always an excuse to send me downstairs. the counsler accused me of enjoying being punished because i was downstairs almost every day. he said he enjoyed our sessions and he really liked me.
after enduring 3 years there, i dropped out. i was 16 and i didn't have to go to school anymore. i told mom i wasn't going and stayed in bed. first i claimed sick, then i said didn't want to be bullied anymore. i was smart enough to test out, so i took my GED test. i passed on the second try.
i couldn't tell her i was tired of going downstairs to that cold dark room. i was never strong enough to fight him, even if i worked out in the weight room during gym class. i could push pull and lift 500 pounds in every direction. but when i was sent downstairs, my strength always failed me. at this point i figured there was no point in fighting because there was always someone stronger than me. so i let the spirits take over. it wasn't any better...
That's all for now kids. i'm sobering up and i can't write anymore...

May 13 2015 08:27 AM
I'm so sorry, you experienced that.
May 13 2015 12:56 PM
I have too many stories like this. The doctors didn't understand how I had psych problems when my parents treated me well yet I showed signs of abuse. They refused to believe it was problems this horrific at school. :/ I still have nightmares from it...

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