harder to breathe
IT FUCKING HURTS
i've made up my mind about friday. when t calls in to check in two days, i'll tell him, i'm hunky fucking dory. i just keep dying a little. because that's what's expected. if i try to deviate, i get punished. so to lessen the pain, i just erase myself a little more until i disappear and they got their stupid little robot they can order around and abuse. i can see why some folks snap and murder others. but i practice zen to keep those violent tendencies in check. i keep telling myself, i'm only marginally violent. i don't torture anymore. i'm messed up and sick, but i'm no longer in that space. i don't have that power anymore. they got it now. and i just keep suffering and suffering and suffering. because i'm a horrible disgusting vile person who shouldn't be here in the first place. but i'm here for their benefit. i will eventually destroy them. but not today. not tomorrow. when i'm fully erased and i just don't feel anything at all, they'll know then. but it'll probably be too late and i waited for nothing.
it's so funny and yet incredibly sad.