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harder to breathe

Posted by whodatninja , 10 February 2014 · 31 views

the more i bottle things up, the worse my neck hurts. i don't know if my shoulders are that super tense (most likely it is) but what else can i do? i can't say anything, do anything, but chain smoke and pace and if i have the money for booze, make a lowball or two and sulk. i can't stand it. nobody gives a damn about me. my family, don't give a damn about me. and all this time i was under the illusion that they gave at least one or two shits. but nope, not one. NOT A SINGLE ONE. and i'm okay with it.
IT FUCKING HURTS
 
i've made up my mind about friday. when t calls in to check in two days, i'll tell him, i'm hunky fucking dory. i just keep dying a little. because that's what's expected. if i try to deviate, i get punished. so to lessen the pain, i just erase myself a little more until i disappear and they got their stupid little robot they can order around and abuse. i can see why some folks snap and murder others. but i practice zen to keep those violent tendencies in check. i keep telling myself, i'm only marginally violent. i don't torture anymore. i'm messed up and sick, but i'm no longer in that space. i don't have that power anymore. they got it now. and i just keep suffering and suffering and suffering. because i'm a horrible disgusting vile person who shouldn't be here in the first place. but i'm here for their benefit. i will eventually destroy them. but not today. not tomorrow. when i'm fully erased and i just don't feel anything at all, they'll know then. but it'll probably be too late and i waited for nothing.
 
it's so funny and yet incredibly sad.



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