Jump to content


going out

Posted by whodatninja , 08 February 2014 · 105 views

i got a message from crackhead D and i damn near busted my phone. he only calls me when he wants me to come over, do drugs, get drunk, and "fool around", like i got nothing else to do in my life but wait on his stupid ass and get high. i keep telling him i don't do that anymore. he only calls me when he's high otherwise after the first week of the month i'm forgotten. he says he knows i'll be alone on valentine's day and he got a hotel room ready and everything. i swear, it's like he can read my mind, he knows how shitty i feel, how i hate winter, how i truly hate February, and he knows what happened to me. he says come over, i'll help you feel better and i know damn well that i'll only feel worse. i hate him because in one of his coked out rages he belted the shit out of me and sold my dog for drugs and that's when i left. i'm so scared though. because between his crazy ass and RJ i'm in a goddamn bind. i don't want to deal with family when that rolls around because mom will be depressed missing daddy and she'll get drunk crying in my ear. fuck i need to get away and i don't have money for a hotel room to drink by myself for the night.
i really don't want to deal with B's flunky ass either because he's a user too. he only calls me when he wants something and forgets me when he don't. one time he had the audacity to ask me for money and i asked if he was inviting me to hang out he said no. i told him to kick rocks. how dare you ask me for money and we're not even going drinking together? fuck this is why i swore off friends. they use me. i just don't want to be alone when that date comes around. i don't want to drink by myself with those thoughts and end up calling RJ or any one of those men i hate but fall back on when i want to punish myself and be filled with regret in the morning. i could ask computer D to hang out, but i got his crazy ass brother who will rape me every chance he gets. computer D is so absentminded and don't see that i'm scared of his brother and he keeps leaving me with him. computer D is a stupid dumbass and believes whatever his brother tells him. though i'm taller by 6 inches and outweigh his brother by a good 150 pounds, he's 5'5 and 120# of pure crazy and i can't have that tonight. it won't be long before he calls me too because computer D is friends with crackhead D and crackhead D will bug him and computer D will flake fold and call me up, knowing i say yes every time he asks me to come over though i know in the back of my mind crackhead D is putting him up to it and i should know better.
given all my choices, RJ is the lesser of the evils, but because VW and he are feuding again, i'm going to get the brunt of the abuse. though he belted me once because i hit him, he holds grudges and still hadn't forgiven me after 2 years when i snapped and tried to stab him. i think he just loves punishing me. i must like this sort of thing because i keep going to him when i feel like shit. we're going to hell together he keeps telling me. you're staying with me forever he keeps telling me. i need a goddamn drink. i feel so much like shit right now. fuck this snow, i'm going to 7/11. i need to not feel anything right now. i need to prepare. it's unavoidable. fuck my life. krishna help me.

If you're reading this...

... then you know I don't put in trigger.gif labels. Welcome inside my head. You've been warned.

July 2016

     1 2

Recent Entries

Recent Comments

Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.