i hate these disgusting feelings. i desperately wanted to go to the store to get booze. i found 5 dollars in my jeans while sorting to ready for laundry! yes! sangria time!! but i was so foggy and inattentive i left my damn purse on the counter. i had to knock on the door to be let back in. mom yelled at me for being stupid and i told her i'm going to bed. i'm too tired to deal with her shit tonight. i didn't want to go back out in the cold to just get booze. then she and sis will bother me with their usual shit when i just want to stay in my room and get hammered. i can't even do that. the only safe place i can is with RJ and i know he'll only take advantage. i wish i still had my place where i could drink myself to oblivion and not worry about someone ringing me or knocking on my door, or raping me while i'm passed out drunk. i just want to drink alone and not be bothered, to listen to the music that makes me happy and drown my feelings and the pain at the bottom of the bottle and sleep it off for 2 days. i just feel dirty when the episodes happen again and on top of the goddamn nightmares is really making it hard to sleep. no matter what i do, i can't get the feeling to go away. i'm afraid of breaking down and visiting RJ just to get the feelings to stop. krishna help me this is too much to deal with right now. i'm sick sick sick sick sick perverted sick.