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dirty filthy thing

Posted by whodatninja , 07 February 2014 · 81 views

i had dreamed about that shadow monster raping me again while i was tied to the bed. but then the dream changed. it was CC and saying all the negative things i hated to hear (you can't whitewash a mud fence, etc ) and she was yelling at me, i know you like it, don't you? i know you want it, don't you? you enjoy this sort of thing you piece of shit. you worthless piece of trash you dog you animal. you dirty filthy thing.
and it hurts so bad.
i wanted to scream. i'm sorry, i'm sorry i hurt you, that i was mean and abusive to you, that i didn't listen that i wasn't there when you needed me, that i was selfish, that i didn't understand.
too late, she screams, it was too late. you're too late. i will make you suffer and suffer and suffer. i hate you, never forget. never ever forget.
the room got hot and my skin was on fire. she put her hands around my throat and leans in and whispers in my ear, i will never let you go. i will destroy you. you're going to look and remember and feel everything over and over again and again for the next 20 years. no one will want you. and no matter how much you try to medicate me away, i'm always here, in your dreams and you will have to sleep sometime.
then she lets go and claws at my face, my arms, my chest, scratching me, cutting into my skin, i try to scream, but my voice is gone. she keeps clawing and raping me and screaming at me, take it like the piece of shit you are! take it, take it, take it!
i can't move, i can't scream. it feels like i'm floating out of my head again. CC puts her hand in my mouth; i taste blood. swallow she says, you're infected anyway. no one wants you. you're a disgusting monster. you're broken.
i feel ready to vomit and i wake up. then suddenly it feels like bugs are crawling on me and i kick off the covers and i brush off my arms and legs. then i realise i'm sweating. i sit there in the dark, trying to breathe, i can't cry. i realise she's right. CC's birthday is next week. she'll be 51. i dont know if she's still alive. i don't know if i'm able to find her. i need to apologise. otherwise the guilt will kill me.

If you're reading this...

... then you know I don't put in trigger.gif labels. Welcome inside my head. You've been warned.

June 2016

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