feeling scared and alone
i had a dream about being back at grandpa's house. i loved visiting him. he always had a jar of modified peanut butter cookies - one side had the cookie, the middle had crunchy peanut butter and the other side had a hiho cracker. he did it to 'stretch them out' so they last longer. i always got a few and sat on the couch and listen to his stories. i loved his stories. he was a big man, built like a linebacker, but he played baseball. i loved his stories. even if he started preaching and i wasn't christian anymore (when i got older), i listened because his stories always meant something. stories were big in my family, on my dad's side especially. on my mom's side, not so much, but i enjoyed grandpa the most. at times like this the stories never come to me, i can never remember them. but when i dream and it's not a bad dream i remember them all. all my grandma's stories, all my grandpa's stories, all my daddy's stories. they all come back to me. but then i wake up, they're gone. the people that cared about me that really loved me, they're gone. i don't want to be alone.
i don't want to be alone. i hate it. i hate that god. he's evil like the devil king. god didn't give a damn about me. he let all that bad stuff happen to me and just sat back in his castle in the sky and roll his eyes and didn't care because i wasn't good enough, i wasn't christian enough. he can stay there and be all judgemental because i don't belong there anyway. i'm too dirty and broken to be cared about in the first place. krishna help me i can't stop crying as i type this. i keep trying to hold back the tears because i'm scared someone will find me but everyone's asleep but i keep fighting because i don't want to be yelled at for being weak. i hate having to pretend to be strong. i want to cry and not be yelled at. i wish grandma was here. then i can cry and cry. i couldn't cry around daddy because despite his tough exterior he was a big softie. if i cried he cried too. i wish i told him what happened to me, but then i'm kinda glad i didn't. he would have killed that monster then he would've been taken away from me.