Jump to content






Photo

feeling scared and alone

Posted by whodatninja , 07 February 2014 · 26 views

I miss my grandma and my daddy. i wish grandma was still here so i can crawl in her bed and hold her hand when i have a bad dream. i wish daddy was here so i can curl up beside him and hold his strong calloused hand. i miss daddy. he always smelled of stetson and stale cigarettes. i want them so much to be here right now. why did cancer have to take them away from me? i don't like being alone when i have bad dreams.
 
i had a dream about being back at grandpa's house. i loved visiting him. he always had a jar of modified peanut butter cookies - one side had the cookie, the middle had crunchy peanut butter and the other side had a hiho cracker. he did it to 'stretch them out' so they last longer. i always got a few and sat on the couch and listen to his stories. i loved his stories. he was a big man, built like a linebacker, but he played baseball. i loved his stories. even if he started preaching and i wasn't christian anymore (when i got older), i listened because his stories always meant something. stories were big in my family, on my dad's side especially. on my mom's side, not so much, but i enjoyed grandpa the most. at times like this the stories never come to me, i can never remember them. but when i dream and it's not a bad dream i remember them all. all my grandma's stories, all my grandpa's stories, all my daddy's stories. they all come back to me. but then i wake up, they're gone. the people that cared about me that really loved me, they're gone. i don't want to be alone.
 
i don't want to be alone. i hate it. i hate that god. he's evil like the devil king. god didn't give a damn about me. he let all that bad stuff happen to me and just sat back in his castle in the sky and roll his eyes and didn't care because i wasn't good enough, i wasn't christian enough. he can stay there and be all judgemental because i don't belong there anyway. i'm too dirty and broken to be cared about in the first place. krishna help me i can't stop crying as i type this. i keep trying to hold back the tears because i'm scared someone will find me but everyone's asleep but i keep fighting because i don't want to be yelled at for being weak. i hate having to pretend to be strong. i want to cry and not be yelled at. i wish grandma was here. then i can cry and cry. i couldn't cry around daddy because despite his tough exterior he was a big softie. if i cried he cried too. i wish i told him what happened to me, but then i'm kinda glad i didn't. he would have killed that monster then he would've been taken away from me.



If you're reading this...

... then you know I don't put in trigger.gif labels. Welcome inside my head. You've been warned.

July 2014

S M T W T F S
  12345
6789101112
13141516171819
202122 23 242526
2728293031  

Recent Entries

Recent Comments

Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.