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Posted by whodatninja , 06 February 2014 · 141 views

I'm tired. i want to sleep. but i'm sick with worry and fear. i'm glad i can type in the dark, my laptop comes with a little light and since i went to secretary school i can touch type like a pro. i used to type blind but now that i no longer have feeling in my fingers, i can't feel the nubs on the keys. i don't want my family to know i'm still awake. then they're going to bang on the door and bother me with stupid shit. i already feel bad. i don't need them to trigger me worse by bursting into my room.
i don't know what to do about these dreams. it's been a week since i told my t about the incident. that's when the nightmares became progressively worse. it used to be abstract, about monsters and demons beating and raping me, but now that i admitted the truth, it's him, the shadow monster with the heavy cologne and the cold hands. i don't remember his face. i always looked down at the floor when i was younger and i still don't look at faces. people find it weird that when i talk to them i never look at them, i look past them at the wall or on the floor. i claim that i don't like confrontation or that it was my upbringing, but the real reason i don't look at faces because i don't want to see them judging me, about how ugly and dirty i look. i don't want to see them laughing at me. if i could close my eyes, i would but i can't, so i always wear super dark sunglasses or glasses with reflective lenses, even indoors. it makes it easier to look past them while they think i'm looking at them. sometimes i have my eyes closed because i don't want to see.

I'm sorry you feel this way.

If you're reading this...

... then you know I don't put in trigger.gif labels. Welcome inside my head. You've been warned.

July 2016

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