aches and pains - and body memories
i look outside and i fucking want to scream. i hate the fucking snow. fuck you snow. fuck you winter. fuck you snow and ice gods. it's never warm enough in the house. i have the space heater on blast atop of the heater running in the house and it's never fucking warm enough. i'm sweating and i still feel cold. i don't have clothes on because i don't want to feel the clothes on me. it seems like the fabric hurts me when it touches my skin. i'm under the covers and i keep kicking them off because nothing but bad memories plague me. but i have to keep the covers on since i don't have a lock on my door. and i freak out more because i don't have privacy here in my own damn home (well, mother's house) and it brings me back to when i was 12 in solitary and that damn fucking orderly would come in to 'check on me' god i need a drink so bad right now. i can't do it. i'm almsot out of cigarettes. i need to pace but i can't escape. god help me.