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aches and pains - and body memories

Posted by whodatninja , 05 February 2014 · 52 views

why the fuck is everything exploding right now? a whole mess of emotions. this fucking winter, this fucking arthritis, now the fucking memories. my god the goddamn memories. and my body hurts so bad. ever since that fucking monday i had that session when i finally told the truth now everything is popping up. i took the lid off that sucker and all the nasty horrible filthy things are coming to the surface. i wish i could call my therapist but i can't since i got family here who monitors my every move. i'm so glad i found this forum and a safe place to keep a journal now. therapist recommended i write and i scoffed, since i prefer to talk, but now i need to talk and i can't. so i'm writing, writing, writing. i doubt anyone would read this, so on one hand i'm kinda self-censoring but i need this out of my system, like if i ate bad cold 2-week old chinese food. krishna help me.
i look outside and i fucking want to scream. i hate the fucking snow. fuck you snow. fuck you winter. fuck you snow and ice gods. it's never warm enough in the house. i have the space heater on blast atop of the heater running in the house and it's never fucking warm enough. i'm sweating and i still feel cold. i don't have clothes on because i don't want to feel the clothes on me. it seems like the fabric hurts me when it touches my skin. i'm under the covers and i keep kicking them off because nothing but bad memories plague me. but i have to keep the covers on since i don't have a lock on my door. and i freak out more because i don't have privacy here in my own damn home (well, mother's house) and it brings me back to when i was 12 in solitary and that damn fucking orderly would come in to 'check on me' god i need a drink so bad right now. i can't do it. i'm almsot out of cigarettes. i need to pace but i can't escape. god help me.

If you're reading this...

... then you know I don't put in trigger.gif labels. Welcome inside my head. You've been warned.

May 2015

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