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elsewhere

Posted by whodatninja , 25 February 2014 · 54 views

doing some reading on others blogs and catching up on latest posts. it's difficult via phone as house internet isn't working at the moment. reading others stories and thoughts to get away from my own. I feel disgusted not at them mainly with myself. I feel physically sick and I'm not sure why. maybe I feel not really deserving to be here. today's session...


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lesser than

Posted by whodatninja , 25 February 2014 · 62 views

been lurking on others blogs and feel like shit. these folks had it worse off and who am I to bitch about my own issues. maybe my t was right and I'm dwelling on nothing. I feel like shit right now. fucking hell I'm so stupid. fuck.


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tough exterior

Posted by whodatninja , 25 February 2014 · 53 views

one of my employees came up to me and said they didn't realise how nice I was despite my gruff exterior. they didn't know how hard I work and make things easy for them and that I do listen to their issues and try my best to help them in my capacity. I told her don't act so grateful and get out of my office. she said thanks and left. I overhear her telling...


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faking my way

Posted by whodatninja , 25 February 2014 · 37 views

I'm trying to get through work getting these projects done. after going off on my employees about upcoming meetings and conferences and threatening to withhold their pay for their incompetence they finally got their acts together. they just realised what I been telling them for months about the market and after showing them the latest trade magazine they'...


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sleeping

Posted by whodatninja , 25 February 2014 · 38 views

work and sleep is all I do between drinking and eating occasionally when I'm not too sick to choke down something. but mainly work work work. everyone likes that I'm such a hard worker. if I lived in Japan I'd fit in quite nicely. but my going to Japan will never happen. its a dream I need to give up on. my life is here in this godawful city with people I...


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whining

Posted by whodatninja , 25 February 2014 · 57 views

i know a few of y'all read my thoughts I post (I'm touched that y'all give a damn). i just don't want to seem I'm whining and not doing anything like my t and soc think I'm doing. I wonder if I did something wrong. why else would they be so negative toward me? they assume because I'm hostile I'm not receptive. I do listen. I hate they make assumptions abo...


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h & f

Posted by whodatninja , 25 February 2014 · 52 views

I'm thinking about some horse with fentanyl. just to make the pain stop. its driving me nuts. if I OD by accident it's expected since folks know I abused opiates before. its just a matter of time. they wouldn't listen. I just want the pain to stop. t thinks I'm punishing myself. how am I punishing myself? my body of course I work my ass off to the goddamn...


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giving up

Posted by whodatninja , 25 February 2014 · 45 views

i really don't want to but I'm tired of fighting. I try and try and its never good enough. I'm not good enough. it makes my stomach turn the sheer hatred I have for people right now. I can't trust anyone anymore. just keep pretending. keep telling myself I'm fine and I'll eventually believe it. Pollyanna sunshine rainbows unicorns and shit. happy happy jo...


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stupid dreams

Posted by whodatninja , 25 February 2014 · 35 views

i have to accept I'm getting old and that all the dreams I have are just stupid unobtainable ideas. I have to accept I'm going to die in this town being a lowdown nobody that people keep kicking around. I know nobody will miss me. nobody misses a crazy person. alcohol poisoning is my best shot. they already blame me as a failure in life since I'm an "alco...


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never going away

Posted by whodatninja , 25 February 2014 · 29 views

as long as I'm here the chronic pain will never stop. it will always be "in my head" and I'm just being "difficult" for no other reason than to have others "feel sorry for me". everyone can fuck off and kick rocks. this is the lousy thanks I get for finally sucking up and reaching out and stop lying to myself and wanting to deal with this shit. rather the...






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