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severe guilt

Posted by whodatninja , 09 February 2014 · 29 views

i nodded off and dreamt of CC again torturing me the way I did to her in those violent fits. I swear the guilt is going to eat me alive. I don't know if she is still living or where to find her. if I'm unable to apologise I don't know what to do. I am a horrible evil monster I deserve to be punished. i can take the physical pain but the mental anguish is...


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sick of fighting sleep

Posted by whodatninja , 09 February 2014 · 24 views

i had my head in the toilet most of the night sick with worry about the coming weekend dealing with RJ. I don't know if I'm able to clock in later in the morning. I promised to there and I hate breaking promises. I nodded off and dreamt of RJ raping me and torturing me hence me getting sick. he could torture me if he wanted to. but I doubt he would physic...


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guilty for being selfish

Posted by whodatninja , 09 February 2014 · 51 views

i feel so bad bothering people here on the forums especially when I'm having a panic attack and I get needy. what right do I have to pester them when they have their own shit to deal with? they don't care about my issues. I need to leave them alone. they don't need to hear me whine about my shit too. its not that bad I'm making a big deal out of nothing i...


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so sick

Posted by whodatninja , 09 February 2014 · 24 views

I'm shaking and have dry heaves. I have work in the morning but dealing with my brother earlier has me totally freaked out and I've got nobody to talk to nobody who will tell me I will be okay. I'm suffering in my own private hell until Friday comes. I'm buying wine tomorrow and I'm staying in my room and I won't come out. I might call in sick this week f...


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with increasing dread

Posted by whodatninja , 09 February 2014 · 29 views

next friday is valentine's day. i'm really freaking out, because RJ will come over and get me and it's going to be 2 straight nights of hell, i'm sure of it. he's going to punish me for not going with him this friday and being the holiday next week, he's really going to have at it. krishna help me, i'm so scared. i don't think i can survive this week. if...


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no concentration

Posted by whodatninja , 09 February 2014 · 20 views

i can't concentrate on work tonight. RJ's visit spooked me to no end. i think he came over looking for me and was disappointed that i was sleep. i'm glad i keep my room a wreck. he used to come in and touch me. now he won't step foot because he's ocd about keeping things clean. it's the only barrier i have. but if i'm not in my room, i'm fair game. i have...


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cornered

Posted by whodatninja , 09 February 2014 · 25 views

i thought I heard RJ's voice and I looked at the clock and if was midnight- way too late for him to be here. I went to the bathroom and jump almost 3000 feet. he cornered me in the hall and pinned me and whispered in my ear that he knew I was avoiding him and he was going to get me next week. he asked me why i acted like i was scared of him, i said i wasn...


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something useful

Posted by whodatninja , 09 February 2014 · 20 views

i got work in the morning. i took on another assignment (2 weeks prior) and i know i need to sleep, otherwise i will fuck up major. since i can't sleep anyway (the same fucking nightmares) i might as well get some work done. my performance is suffering, that i go in zombie mode despite all the coffee i have in me to function just to get this shit done. i...






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