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Everything has flipped

Posted by Lauren2014 , 10 January 2014 · 55 views

Hi there to anyone reading my post.  Nice to e-meet you.  I am a single 32 year old female and I've just realized I've repressed a memory of a sexual assault that occurred when I was 19 and in college.  Now that this memory has come back I feel my world has been flipped upside down.  Everything over the last 13 years makes sense now.  I am remember shortly after the incident telling myself that the only way I could live with myself was to not think about it.  So I forgot about it for 13 years. 
Unfortunately by stuffing the memory away I subconsciously continued to blame myself and carried around tremendous amounts of shame and self-loathing.  For the last 13 years I've battled eating disorders, alcoholism, self-hate and so on because I never dealt with this.  I am happy that the memory came back because now at the age of 32 as soon as it came back I recognized it as not being my fault and it in fact being a violent and criminal act commited on me.  But now I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything.  For the last 13 years I've felt like two people.  I've been battling the other me that hated myself, hated my body, battled eating disorders, depression and alcoholism and now suddenly that person is gone.  I'm happy that person is gone, but will she come back?  I'm sad and angry for the last 13 years of my life... that they could have been different.  They didn't have to be such a struggle.  
How do you suddenly incorporate this into your life?  How do you decide who to tell?  Will it be a significant part of my life forever?  Now knowing the tremendous amount of damage it did to me for the last 13 years, I want to help other women.  How do you become active in the cause and does that mean going public with your story?  In some ways I want to tell everyone so they know that this could happen to them too and so they don't have to spend 13 years hating themselves.  In other ways I worry how that would be perceived, should I just try and move on? How has this affected me psychologically in ways that i might still not be aware?
My world has flipped and I'm so confused. 
I hope to meet others going thru this so I can talk to people who relate.

I can completely relate. However the assault that happened to me was more recent, approx three years ago now. I can relate to the self-blame and self-loathing because I did have relations with this person for a few months prior to when this happened so I feel like I implied consent by doing so. Even though I know it's not the case and that he should've made sure I was ok with what was happening.


I decided to only tell two close friends and my brother because I don't trust anyone else with the whole story and I don't want them to see me differently.


It was a very damaging incident and I am just beginning to discover how much so. And like you, somedays I feel like telling everyone I know so that it never happens to them. I am considering getting involved in volunteering and donating to causes that relate so I can help whoever I can in my own way.


Thanks for sharing your story

October 2015

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