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I Have to Dream...

Posted by angelica1966 , 12 January 2014 · 96 views

You ask me how I am ---

I don't know what to say...
to feel...
to think...
to believe...
to trust...

I find myself in tears --- daily...lately...
more times than I care to number.

I am entrenched...
imprisoned...
in a place
from where I cannot be dislodged...consumed...for now...

Though surrounded by people
who may care who I am and why I am
I cannot help but at times feel alone...
sabotaged...
confused...
displaced...
afraid...
unworthy...
unloved...

My spirit cries out for love...what is it...truly...
but to even begin to feel
the reality of its strength
puts my being in a tailspin of turmoil
--- that it cannot embrace nor understand anything
but emotions that lead me to being unsafe...
numb...

To give love
may be an easier route for me to take ---
and many a time it is just too much to bear...
to give...
so I anxiously shrink at any thought of openly sharing
a hug...
encouragement...
an extended hand...
support...
a smile...
--- for in their interpretation
an unwanted door may open.
--- for a far away thought
may creep unannounced
and invite its friends...

To receive love
is my hope ---
but for now it is my nightmare...
my monster...
the black shadow...
the red face...

To feel touch
is an innate human desire ---
but to me it is my ruin...
my collapse...
my destruction...
the devour and demise of the soul...

To give into or accept such intimacy
would plunge me into depths unexplainable...
unimaginable...
untouchable...I am...

To be detached emotionally...
to be a builder of walls --- my walls
allows me to walk daily...
to be somewhat capable...
to even display a presence so amiable...

But to ask me to enter
into that which I have entombed so long ago...
to heal...
to feel...
no hand so caring can be seen...though longed for...

The child, so newly engaged, should stay
rather than be summoned to come out and play.

The adult...now...is tethered...

Sadness overwhelms...
looms...
oppresses...though it does not bother to commence one to cease...

Outside...eyes of the hideous watch...lurking...stalking...
wanting to invade...
making their entrance...

I retreat to a place well-known...
a place of my yesteryears...
it is all that I know where to find refuge without being violated...defiled...

I journey through the darkness...curtains drawn once again...
...yet I know there is light...hope...

Still...somewhere...somehow...
I have to dream...



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