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I'm a huge disappointment to my family and myself

Posted by sueb0311 , 10 August 2014 · 80 views

I have this dark cloud looming over me. I feel like I'm in a mass depression this past week. I feel like I'm a huge disappointment to my husband and my daughter. My husband knows of my abuse. All of it. He wants to help. He knows I've been having memories resurface and he wants to talk about it to help. I want to tell him but have been avoiding it because I'm afraid I will break down. Now, he's seen me break down before, but since I've started T I feel like I have become very weak. Don't get me wrong, I think T is going to do wonders but its just so hard right now. I feel like I've become this helpless animal who's constantly exhausted.
I also feel like I constantly hound him. I need to feel his love. I need his touch. But, I think I'm going about it all wrong. I feel so embarrassed. I feel so needy. I feel so lonely.
With my 12 year old daughter, I share custody with my ex. So I see her 1/2 the time. When she's with me, I feel like a lump. It's really hard for me to take her to do things because of my anxiety attacks but yesterday I managed to take her to the movies. We had a good time. She really enjoyed our mother/daughter time. Today she asked me to go in the pool with her. I couldn't. I made up every excuse not to. I can see her disappointment. I can't bring myself to go outside today.
My daughter and my husband get along, but not to the point I'd like. They talk very little and they don't even say goodnight to eachother. This is also very hard on me.
I feel like I disappoint my husband. I feel like I disappoint my daughter. I don't even know why I'm writing this, I guess I just needed to get it out.

Sue, I just want you to know I HEAR you. I hear your frustration with yourself and your desire for things to be different. Your husband and daughter obviously love you very much, but when we are feeling so crummy about ourselves it's sometimes hard to see that. :( I sometimes get stuck thinking that things are ALWAYS going to be like this, but the truth is that things do change! We won't always be stuck in this whirlwind of crap! It won't always be like this! :) So, you couldn't go to the pool today. That doesn't mean that you will NEVER do something outdoors with your daughter again, right? These are the things I have to tell myself or I would drive myself NUTTY!! I'm so glad you were able to share all this ❤️
Thanks, Avery, you give me so much hope....this was really hard to share. Haven't told my T this yet so I'm glad I shared it here.
I'm glad you shared it here too! You are a very brave woman ❤️
Hi sue! I just would like you to know Sue that you deserve the purple heart for courage. I have had the experience of having to co-parent with my perp/father of my daughter. I know the hell of having to go through a court system with characters in it who were no better than the perp who was making me go through it. Sue, you are Wonder Woman, especially in comparison to these perps. But, we tend to hold ourselves responsible for everything. When the truth is that we didn't cause any of it. We tried to survive it. And we did, which is why you and even I deserve medals of courage.

September 2014

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