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Shame

Posted by sueb0311 , 09 August 2014 · 137 views

I have a lot of shame. Shame from my abuse and allowing it to happen for some 30+ years. I never reported it for the fear of not being believed and for knowing I am not strong enough to deal with the justice system. I'm trying to move forward by going to therapy. There's just so many memories resurfacing now I'm finding it quite overwhelming. I have several anxiety attacks a day now and seem to becoming more isolated. It's become such a chore to even leave the house let alone get out of bed. I'm hoping this gets easier as I find myself nearing the end of a very long rope and my sanity.



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barelysurviving
Aug 09 2014 11:29 AM

Hi Sue

 

sending lots of hugs.  I am still trying to wrap my head around the shame I feel.  My T has told me that it will get easier and he's asked me to trust him.  I am trying to.  Please try not to be too hard on yourself. Therapy is tough, but you are strong, I've seen it as have many others here on the site.  Keep reaching out and your strength will continue to grow.  In my thoughts often.

 

take care

 

barely

Hi, Sue,

Back when the memories were coming back thick and fast, I seemed to spend whole afternoons in the ladies' at work. Panic seemed to make me throw up, so everyone was asking me if I was pregnant.

It gets better, hon, it really does. I wish someone had told me that feeling so divorced from the returning memories made you feel mental, and that that was normal. Honestly, it does normalise.

As for the shame.... The only way I'm beginning to get my head around it is this. All the stuff I've told myself about the abuse for 20 yrs feeds the doubt and the shame. I will need to hear the opposite at least the same amount as the millions of times I've told myself it was my fault / imagination. That's normal, too. My T is currently one voice against a stadium. But slowly, I'm at least starting to strain to hear.

So, in case it helps - it was not your fault. You didn't deserve it. The panic and crippling shame is enough to show it is not in your head and that it was not your fault.

And I'm going to keep saying that till you can, too. Because it matters. You matter.

Stay safe, my friend, whatever safe needs to be right now,

:hug:

Q
Ditto what Q says. It DOES get easier. Even though you feel like you are drowning in mud at times. :hug: Take gentle care. It was not your fault.

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