Jump to content


Intrepid She



Photo

Day 185: No Posting - it is AF's B Day

Posted by intrepidshe , 13 June 2014 · 55 views

June 13, 2014 Intrepid Age = 114 Days:

No posting tonight. Celebrating AF's b-day.


Photo

Day 184: One Fear at a Time (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 12 June 2014 · 174 views

June 12, 2014 Intrepid Age = 113 Days:
 
Pain. Deep and steady. It used to ride as a quiet undercurrent, an underground river flowing out of an aquifer. Now it is more of a wind storm. And, I really hate wind. I had some terrifying experiences with wind growing up. There was the wind blowing the camper around as we drove along treacherous roads...


Photo

Day 183: Plans for Reducing SUI <trigger warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 11 June 2014 · 206 views

June 11, 2014 Intrepid Age = 112 Days:
 
It was very awkward today in my T session to discover that sui* ideation is a bit of a big deal. I don't mean to sound like I take it lightly. It's just that for me, having such thoughts, isn't something I believed mattered. I don't see myself as ever taking any affirmative steps. At least not like when I...


Photo

Day 182: Shut That Baby Up! <Trigger Warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 10 June 2014 · 178 views

June 10, 2014 Intrepid Age = 111 Days:
 
Patience, trust, and love.
 
I know I need to lean into these emotions, but god, it's so hard! I also need to improve my self-soothing skills. I had a horrible, horrible night last night because I was racked with fear, which sparked self-loathing and even . . . umm . . . even . . . sui* ideation . No...


Photo

Day 181: Checking In or Checking Out?

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 09 June 2014 · 175 views

June 9, 2014 Intrepid Age = 110 Days:
 
Last night I knew I wouldn't be able to get up for work this morning. I realized at about 11 pm I was utterly spent. I needed a good 10 hours in bed to be able to function at all. It felt like I was running a fever. I wasn't. I was just worn out and in need of more rest. I had slept well the previous two n...


Photo

Day 180: To Everything Its Season (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 08 June 2014 · 266 views

June 8, 2014 Intrepid Age = 109 Days:
 
When I left yesterday to visit Portland Friend (PF) I had a nagging feeling I wouldn't be able to find the words I needed. I knew I would read the letter to her, but after that I didn't think any more words would out. I was pretty scared as I drove there and thought several times to turn back. When I got t...


Photo

Day 179: No Posting

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 08 June 2014 · 77 views

June 7, 2014 Intrepid Age = 108 Days:
 
No posting on this day. I spent the day with my Portland Friend.


Photo

Day 178: Part 2

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 07 June 2014 · 110 views

June 6, 2014 Intrepid Age = 107 Days:
 
I tried to ignore this but it is nagging at me.

I am worried about seeing my Portland Friend (PF) tomorrow. I am staying the night with them. I plan to read my f-ing mother letter to her. I don't know what will come of this. I shouldn't be afraid, but I am. Even though we have been friends for more than 2...


Photo

Day 178: A Flashback and Some Tears

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 06 June 2014 · 188 views

June 6, 2014 Intrepid Age = 107 Days:
 
I had a flashback today, a brief one. Not that I know what really constitutes a short or long flashback. I haven't experienced them very often. I think I had one years and years ago when I did an exercise from my first T. Interestingly, the exercise involved touch and nurturing. It was the only exercise of...


Photo

Day 177: More Tears - The Boundaries of Love

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 05 June 2014 · 183 views

June 5, 2014 Intrepid Age = 106 Days:
 
Whew, last night was tough! I was on pins and needles through the evening not sure I wanted to talk to AF and knowing I needed to talk to her. I have a rule I follow that I don't call her in the evening. She is with her family and needs time for them. I text her to let her know I hope to hear from her, but...


Photo

Day 176: Deepest Shame

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Neglect, Touch, Healing Work 04 June 2014 · 214 views

June 4, 2014 Intrepid Age = 105 Days:
 
I'm going to have to write and post this one with my hands over my eyes. I am not sure right now if I'll actually post it, or if I'll leave it up.
 
A couple times along this healing path I have encountered a truth in myself that felt it was my deepest shame. The first was associated with feeling my p...


Photo

Day 175: Stopping T, Talking to Old Friend, Possible New Friend

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 03 June 2014 · 175 views

June 3, 2014 Intrepid Age = 104 Days:
 
As usual, I have a lot on my mind today. Work was good, but exhausting. I left an hour early, which means I left two hours earlier than usual. And, I'm not going to work from home tonight, so I shortened my work day about three or four hours all together. So, it's kind of like I worked a half day today. ht...


Photo

Day 174: Experiencing Arousal with Flashbacks (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 02 June 2014 · 243 views

June 2, 2014 Intrepid Age = 103 Days:
 
Dear Pandy's friends and any non-Pandy's readers:
 
Please proceed with caution into this entry and be sure you are in a safe frame of mind. Obviously by the subject line you know the topic of this posting can be triggering. But I want to give a little extra warning that I will be discussing the expe...


Photo

Day 173: Fun, Agony, Tears, and Relief (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 01 June 2014 · 262 views

June 1, 2014 Intrepid Age = 102 Days:
 
There is so much to say about the last three days. I hardly know where to begin. I suppose for simplicity's sake, and to help my brain, I'll approach this experience chronologically.
 
Thursday night was a tough one. I considered going to AF's house to stay the night after the ugly thing my H (I will...


Photo

Day 172: Update

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 01 June 2014 · 32 views

May 31, 2014 Intrepid Age = 101 Days:
 
I didn't post an entry on this date. I'm posting now on June 1st. This posting is just to say I went on a retreat with AF. I'll post a full entry about it on day 173 (June 1st).


Photo

Day 171: Update

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 01 June 2014 · 29 views

May 30, 2014 Intrepid Age = 100 Days:
 
I didn't post an entry on this date. I'm posting now on June 1st. This posting is just to say I went on a retreat with AF. I'll post a full entry about it on day 173 (June 1st).


Photo

Day 170: Tears of Joy, Therapy Angst, Marital Distress (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 29 May 2014 · 209 views

May 29, 2014 Intrepid Age = 99 Days:
 
I have a lot of things on my mind, but I'll limit myself to three topics tonight: (1) something that made my cry tears of joy last night; (2) my T crying this morning; and (3) marital distress.
 
Intrepid will be 100 days old tomorrow. How much she has learned and how far she has come in that century o...


Photo

Day 169: Between the Raindrops

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 28 May 2014 · 134 views

May 28, 2014 Intrepid Age = 98 Days:
 
I want to thank Jiva for pointing me in the direction of the exercise I will undertake tonight. But first, I need to admit one more fear, a fear underneath and driving the others, a fear I didn't recognize last night.
I'm afraid after this weekend she'll be done with me.
What will happen: My needs are infan...


Photo

Day 168: So Afraid and Angry (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 27 May 2014 · 171 views

May 27, 2014 Intrepid Age = 97 Days:
 
For years and years I didn't feel fear. I could break into a public pool, and take a running leap from a three story building, flying over 15 feet of poolside concrete to land in the middle of the diving pool . . . naked. I could start a fight in a movie theater. I could leap from my bike going top spe...


Photo

Day 167: My Bladder (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Healing Work 26 May 2014 · 257 views

May 26, 2014 Intrepid Age = 96 Days:
 
That's a strange title for this posting, but it's exactly what I'm going to write about. I spent this weekend with my friends in Portland. We all went to the same high school and have known each other for 25 years. Their DD was born about 18 months after my first DS, putting her between my two boys in age....






About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

Search My Blog

July 2014

S M T W T F S
  12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223 24 2526
2728293031  

Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.