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Intrepid She



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Day 118: 2nd Time of a Doctor Touching Me

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 07 April 2014 · 302 views

Apr. 7, 2014 (47 Days Into Becoming):
 
For an hour today a doctor laid hands on me (not for treatment, just touching me to help me as a friend, helping me learn to be comfortable with touch). My body had its anxiety reactions (trembling, quaking, and little convulsions) the whole time. And she was great about it. She told me she was sorry for the th...


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Day 117: Fears and Plans for Tomorrow's Doctor Appointment

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 06 April 2014 · 303 views

Apr. 6, 2014 (21.5 hours until appointment , 46 Days Into Becoming):
 
I've managed not to think too much about this until just now: tomorrow I have a doctor appointment to look at my neck and shoulder. I have pain in my wrist and arm that seems to be caused by proximal nerve impingement. If I go through with the appointment I'll probably find o...


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Day 116: Confronting My T*/Confronting my Mom

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 05 April 2014 · 216 views

Apr. 5, 2014 (45 Days Into Becoming):
 
I felt bad yesterday because my T* said she didn't know if she is the right T for me, she isn't sure I'm making progress. And we had a disagreement about homosexuality. The responses to my posting on the subject were incredibly thoughtful and offered many helpful ideas. The various perspectives caused me...


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Day 115: Am I Failing T*?

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 04 April 2014 · 325 views

Apr. 4, 2014 (44 Days Into Becoming):
 
First, I want to enjoy the numbers associated with this posting: 4/4/14 day 44. I'm not superstitious, nor do I know anything about numerology, but I do enjoy the pattern. It makes me think there are four fundamental aspects to an individual:
Heart: what I feel
Mind: what I think
Body: what I do
Soul: what it m...


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Day 114: A Doctor Touched Me Today

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work, Touch 03 April 2014 · 341 views

Apr. 3, 2014 (43 Days Into Becoming):
 
I work with physicians every day. I spend a lot of time around them in settings outside of clinics and hospitals in meetings. In these settings they are just co-workers. They aren't wearing lab coats. They're just people who want to make the world a better place. We work toward that purpose with great enth...


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Day 113: Reaching out to Emptiness

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Touch 02 April 2014 · 981 views

Apr. 2, 2014 (42 Days Into Becoming):
 
I wasn't held as an infant. I learned this from a cousin who, one day apropos of nothing said, "It was so sad the way you were as a child. You would stand way back away from people. I think it was because your mom didn't hold you. You didn't know how to let anyone touch you. Then, when you decided it was OK, yo...


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Day 112: Ripped from God's Hands (TW for this topic)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 01 April 2014 · 737 views

Apr. 1, 2014 (41 Days Into Becoming):
 
When I was a small child I experienced a vision. I was probably six years old. I don't know if this happened before the first r* or afterward. It might have been around the time I was m* by a girl my age. She was in the same grade as me and our families were best friends. We went to Catholic school.
 
One...


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Day 111: A 40 Days Reflection (TW for slight mention of religious ideas - though I am not religious)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 31 March 2014 · 214 views

Mar. 31, 2014 (40 Days Into Becoming):
 
Forty days ago was the first day after my gynecologic appointment. Because of my upbringing as an Irish Catholic, the concept of 40 days is potent to me. I no longer accept any religion, but I still feel deeply moved by the ideas I learned growing up Catholic.
 
Forty days ago I was trembling and triumpha...


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Day 110: More to the Incest Confrontation

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 30 March 2014 · 656 views

Mar. 30, 2014 (39 Days Into Becoming):
 
A community member here in Pandy's gave me some guidance on feeling, which I am going to use here. I will orient feeling statements to some information I got from my sister today. I have a list of emotion words from my T I will use to help me find the words to name the feelings.

I vis...


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Day 109: A Confession I'm Afraid to Post

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 29 March 2014 · 266 views

Mar. 29, 2014 (38 Days Into Becoming):
 
After I finished writing this I thought long and hard about whether or not to post it. I'm so afraid of the confession that came out at the end.

I am attempting to sit with pain and confusion sparked by my posting two days ago . I am attempting not to rush to fix my feelings through analysis. I always go...


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Day 108: Making Sense of Family Betrayal

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 28 March 2014 · 264 views

Mar. 28, 2014 (37 Days Into Becoming):
 
First a news item: I have a doctor appointment with the ObGyn on April 24th. By then the lab results should all be in. I'll begin working another process to prepare for and cope with this second step in my healthcare process.
 
Second, I learned something important and sad last night in writing my posting...


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Day 107: The Big Incest Confrontation <trigger warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 27 March 2014 · 1,085 views

Mar. 27, 2014 (36 Days Into Becoming):
 
Confrontation has been a strange experience for me. Maybe it's always strange . . . like it would be strange if anything about it was "normal." My objecitve today is to write about one of the confrontations we had in my family.
 
In my therapy appointment this morning we finished reading my...


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Day 106: Shame Should Follow Blame <major rant>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 26 March 2014 · 196 views

Mar. 26, 2014 (35 Days Into Becoming):
 
 
Mary M's blog has a poem that has been revealing layers of understanding for me this week. I have been thinking and thinking about it.
 
http://frametheshame...ir-meaning.html  (It's beautifully written!)
 
Her words speak to me about the ironies...


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Day 105: Taking it Easy

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Happy Things 25 March 2014 · 218 views

Mar. 25, 2014 (34 Days Into Becoming):
 
Tonight I will not grapple with a healing topic or work on an exercise. Although I do have an exercise from my T. Maybe I'll get to it tomorrow or some other day. No hurry.
 
I'm going to watch a little TV and try to turn in early. I'm wiped out after the intense emotions I have felt the la...


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Day 104: It Wasn't So Bad; and Invitation for New Blog (*TW*)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 24 March 2014 · 920 views

Mar. 24, 2014 (33 Days Into Becoming):
 
Two topics today: (1) a request for material for a new blog -- Healing Resources; and (2) fighting the voices in my head that tell me what happened wasn't so bad.
 
(1) Healing Resources Blog
 
I often encounter recommendations for books, articles, exercises, or websites that people have found help...


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Day 103: He Took Photos & My Mom Let Him >>trigger warning<<

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 22 March 2014 · 4,047 views

Mar. 23, 2014 (32 Days Into Becoming):
 
I wrote this back on January 18th in a protected forum and feel ready now to share it publicly.

Every day it seems I read something else, see a topic here, that makes me realize there is another aspect of my story I need to tell. It's like the story is so layered and complex I could live three lifetimes and n...


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Day 102: Self Hatred and Inability to Cry

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 22 March 2014 · 841 views

Mar. 22, 2014 (31 Days Into Becoming):
 
I find myself revisiting in my mind the subject of crying. I want to be able to cry. I sense I could release a well of painful emotions and memories if I could cry. But, I have so much doubt. I think the doubt comes from self hatred. Ironically, I hate to admit that.
 
I am beginning to think that se...


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Day 101: There are Two Sides to the Window

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 21 March 2014 · 223 views

Mar. 21, 2014 (30 Days Into Becoming):
 
In my T appointment yesterday my T pointed out a dichotomy in my behavior and perspective about invisibility. On the one hand, I am invisible because of societal mores and strictures related to mental health issues. But I am also invisible because I have had so many people wound me that I keep a wall care...


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Day 100: Healing Injuries from Violent Words

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Crying 20 March 2014 · 234 views

Mar. 20, 2014 (29 Days Into Becoming):
 
One hundred days. It seems like a sort of landmark. A moment to pause and reflect. But, that's not what I'm in the mood for tonight, plus my T gave me an assignment related to one of my 15 statements . The assignment is to challenge each of the quotes from statement number 6 with how I would address the s...


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Day 99: The Gynecologist R* Me >>major trigger warning<<

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 19 March 2014 · 7,626 views

Mar. 19, 2014 (28 Days Into Becoming):
 
Regarding my posting from yesterday, with some wonderful ideas and encouragement I plan to pursue the project. I have ordered a few books that will help me work my way through it.
 
In the meantime, there are parts of my story I have posted in non-public forums here in Pandy's. Some of these I want visib...






About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

Search My Blog

Contact Me Outside Pandys

I can be reached by email at a Gmail account based on my userid here in Pandys. I'm sure you can piece it together. I won't enter the address here because of bots that read email addresses from screens. I really don't want spam. But I wanted people outside of Pandys to be able to reach me.

July 2016

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