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Intrepid She


Day 68: The MD Who Taught Me Betrayal

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 16 February 2014 · 114 views

Feb. 16, 2014 (Countdown Part II-rewind:  2+ days to gynecologic exam):
I decided to take on a healing exercise today related to betrayal and trust. The upcoming gynecologic exam is an act of trust following long ago acts of betrayal. For me, as I know is true for nearly all SA survivors, trust is a complex and often remote emot...


Day 67: Quiet Mind

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 15 February 2014 · 73 views

Feb. 15, 2014 (Countdown Part II-rewind:  3 days to gynecologic exam):
I have a quiet mind tonight. I think it's a sign that I haven't got anything to process right now. I think it's a sign that I've been getting it out; and it's helping.
I feel peaceful right now. http://www.pandys.or...oticons/defa...


Day 66: Who Cares What Others Think?

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 14 February 2014 · 95 views

Feb. 14, 2014 (Countdown Part II-rewind:  4 days to gynecologic exam):
I don't have an exercise to work on today. Something that is being discussed in a forum, however, got my attention. It feels like a deep root. The following two comments point toward it for me:
"I'm always trying to show how strong I a...


Day 65: Disappointment Versus Devastation

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 13 February 2014 · 133 views

Feb. 12, 2014 (Countdown Part II-rewind: [s]18 hours  5 days to gynecologic exam):
This morning the doctor's office called to reschedule my appointment. I went in quick succession through the grief process when I got the call. First, I couldn't believe my ears when I listened to the voicemail. I thought, "maybe the appointment c...


Day 64: Dear Intrepid, tomorrow morning . . .

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 12 February 2014 · 113 views

Feb. 12, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 18 hours to gynecologic exam):
My T gave me an assignment to write a letter to the younger me, the me who experienced the trauma, the me who developed PTSD from the trauma.

Feb. 12, 2014
Dear Young Intrepid,
Tomorrow you take another important step in this process of...


Day 63: Important Discovery from Rage

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 11 February 2014 · 98 views

Feb. 11, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 2 days to gynecologic exam):
I had a very "normal" work day today. I was my usual friendly, encouraging, hard-working self. Oddly enough, twice today several people spoke about me to others right in front of me. They described me as always being so light hearted, always being a beam of...


Day 62: Coping with Gyno Fear

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 10 February 2014 · 332 views

Feb. 10, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 3 days to gynecologic exam):
I'm feeling scared.
I am scared of how I will react at the G exam appointment.
I am scared of how it will feel to be touched down there by someone who could hurt me.
I am scared of the crinkling paper on the exam bed.
I am scared I might pass out during the exam.



Day 61: Heroism as SI >>might be triggering<<; and Plan for the Week

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 09 February 2014 · 134 views

Feb. 9, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 4 days to gynecologic exam):
I realized I need a plan to take me from now until the gynecologic exam. I learned from the week of the gynecologic consultation that my emotions become increasingly buried as the date approaches, so I experience increasing physical symptoms. I also become more protec...


Day 60: Shame from Missing Childhood Learning

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 08 February 2014 · 154 views

Feb. 8, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 5 days to gynecologic exam):
The list of things about which I feel ashamed seems to grow every day as I work through this healing process.
No . . . that's not quite it. The list doesn't grow, my awareness grows. And, as I deal with them, the list shrinks. Today is a case in point.
As a child...


Day 59: Telling Someone in Real Life - Mistake?

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 07 February 2014 · 104 views

Feb. 7, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 6 days to gynecologic exam):
I have been contemplating for the last few weeks telling a co-worker about my situation. This is the co-worker who works in the same office suite as me. We are on the same team and spend a whole lot of time together. This is the co-worker who saw me struggling before and after...


Day 58: Not Much to Say Today

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 06 February 2014 · 106 views

Feb. 6, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 7 days to gynecologic exam):
I don't have much to say today. Thank goodness after yesterday's tome! http://www.pandys.or...fault/winky.gif
I have been working 10 to 12 hours a day this week. I'm pretty tired.
But, I slept really well last night. Maybe I really...


Day 57: Abandonment (--Trigger Warning--)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Touch 05 February 2014 · 266 views

Feb. 5, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 8 days to gynecologic exam):
Oh boy, this one is long. I apologize to anyone who reads this. I had a lot to get off my chest.
Last week I had an exercise I put off related to talking about the things I still never talk about. This is an ongoing thread for me. Many of my postings have been from that...


Day 56: Nightmares, Insomnia, and the ShameBrain

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 04 February 2014 · 96 views

Feb. 4, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 9 days to gynecologic exam):
I'm happy to say I am still in a place of feeling content. 
But, I must note that the last two nights I barely slept at all. I had a terrifying nightmare last night that woke me at 3 am. The night before I woke at 3 am and couldn't get my brain to quiet down. When I...


Day 55: No Day But Today

Posted by intrepidshe , in Happy Things 03 February 2014 · 96 views

Feb. 3, 2014:
Observing how content I feel today made me think about the musical Rent. There are several songs in that show that I find deeply moving, whose lessons are becoming more meaningful to me every day.
In case you're not familiar with Rent, it involves a number of homosexual story lines. If this bothers you, you probably shouldn't c...


Day 55: Naming my Fears about the Gynecologic Exam

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 03 February 2014 · 158 views

Feb. 3, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 10 days to gynecologic exam):
I completed an exercise yesterday that I realized was kind of a warm-up to what I need to do today: untangle the fears I have related to the gynecologic exam.
Are they realistic fears, or are they fears that you would be happier without?
Where did the fears come from?
Are they he...


Day 54 - Abiding Fear, Believing in Love

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 02 February 2014 · 420 views

Feb. 2, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 11 days to gynecologic exam):
When the word 'abiding' is used an adjective with the word fear, as in, "an abiding fear," it means fear that endures. When 'abiding' is used as a verb, it means to endure (to tolerate, to put up with), as in, "I am abiding these fears." I have been abiding a number of ab...


Day 53 - Lessons from Heroic Efforts

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 01 February 2014 · 121 views

Feb. 1, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 12 days to gynecologic exam):
Yesterday the effects of the gynecologic consultation caught up with me. I was OK until the last half of the day, when I was alone in my office. I think I learned a couple lessons from pursuing heroic efforts.
First thing yesterday I went to therapy. We talked about plans fo...


Day 52 Healing Work - Not So Much, Actually

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 31 January 2014 · 93 views

Jan. 31, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 13 days to gynecologic exam):
I'm wrung out today. I feel, and look, haggard, like I worked a 48 hour shift or just walked out of the center of an earthquake.
Nothing happened to bring this on.
I'm just tired from the effort this week. I got myself so puffed up with adrenaline and now I'm coming...


Day 51 Happy Thoughts (Pride and Joy)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Happy Things 30 January 2014 · 89 views

Jan. 30, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 14 days to gynecologic exam):
I have felt a bizarre mixture of emotions today, mainly an amalgam I couldn't describe. But, as evening pushes toward bedtime I realize two of the feelings are pride, and joy. I am proud of myself for making it through the appointment. I am joyful for the support of everyone here....


Preparing for the Gynecologic Exam (Updated 2/3/14)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 30 January 2014 · 181 views

Jan. 30, 2014, and Feb. 3, 2014
While I still have this in mind, I want to use this post to keep track of ideas for the physical exam.
I need to voice how I'm feeling as I enter the exam room.
Maybe I can ask them to remind me I am safe and I'm not in that room where it happened.
I think I really want the doctor to tell me she promises I...

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.


View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.


The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.


To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid


More Healing:


- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

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