I have a question at the end for anyone who might have an interest in offering ideas, suggestions, experiences.
I read to my T today part 3 of my mother letter. I also told her about what happened on Monday night this week. We had a discussion about my lack of emotion in reading my letter...
I worked for just over 12 hours today, but the last four hours were great fun . . . so they can't really count as work. Furthermore, for an hour after this work day I stood in the parking lot visiting with several colleagues. We had an hilarious conversation touching on a random array of tangential topics....
Trigger Warning - mostly for language
I have a confession to make about having made a risky decision yesterday, or rather several of them. It turned out just fine. But, I need to acknowledge what I did, and more importantly, why I did it. It explains why I didn't post last night.
I have been recently awakened to the intensity of feeling love and of being loved. I can't begin to describe it. This awakening has made me aware of the love that has been in my life throughout my life, minimal as it might have been. I have written extensively about how I have been hurt, neglected, aba...
I think it's a day for cataloging, after this challenging and tumultuous week.
First of all , I am in need of a place where AngelFriend can touch my neck, shoulders and arm that I feel safe to experience and express my emotions. The space at our workplace is just not sufficiently comfortabl...
Dear Pandy's friends, today I wrote the last section of the letter to my mom: "This is what I want from you now."
Before I share this last installment, I want to thank AngelFriend from the bottom of my heart for the time you spent with me yesterday. I spilled my guts for several hours; and you listene...
Got home very late today after a tough work day and a miraculous conversation with AngelFriend. We talked for a long time. It was very powerful and comforting.
I feel too content tonight to let my mom intrude on this feeling. So, I am not going to finish the letter tonight.
Plus, I have wo...
To my Pandy's friends, I can't tell you how much your support, understanding, comments, and encouragement means to me. I know this has been painful for you to read, possibly as much as it has been for me to write. I am, as always humbled and astonished by the generosity, compassion, and courage you possess....
Extreme Trigger Warning
It occurs to me as I face this second section of the letter that you do not deserve the title, "Mom." You were an egg donor, you were an incubator, you were a restaurant (some of the time), you were a landlord (most of the time), but a mom?? Not really. And, I acc...
This is a very triggery post. Please proceed with caution.
Dear Pandy's friends, lend me your eyes please. I need reactions to this. I feel ashamed of having written it.
As you know, I have been in T in order to reduce or eliminate my fear of doctors. At least, that's what got me to go t...
This topic might be triggering for some.
Some weeks ago I began a project working through the book Mothers Who Can't Love . I made it through the first half of the book, learning enlightening things, recognizing the categories of unloving-ness. In the spirit of staying focused on my current healing i...
I have a couple questions at the end of this post I hope others will answer, if they feel comfortable doing so.
I am following advice I received from Jiva about sitting with this topic of touch/nurturing/crying a little longer, perhaps until I reach a place of achievement. I'm not sure quite what "a...
I want to start today's posting with a thank you to MacGyver for sharing his amazing gift of insight. He analyzed a repeating nightmare I have. His interpretation has been immeasurably helpful to me. He gave me permission to share his identity. I'm so glad to get to do so, to give credit...
Or should I too call you Angel? You laughed today at my telling you we have referred to you here as an angel. I imagine it might have been a little embarrassing to receive such a big compliment. But, you really are exceptional. You have an amazing gift you share with easy generosity. I ha...
I am feeling very much afraid about tomorrow, about facing the reality of being touched in a safe non-sexual way, of possibly having jolts caused by anxiety, of then needing to be held, and then possibly even crying as a result, with my DDF (aka my Angel Friend - thanks for the nick name Jiva).
I had an appointment today for more touch desensitization. The last time my friend touched me I had an anxiety attack, including myoclonic jolts that lasted for something like 20 minutes. Today before we headed for the exam room (we used an exam room because it would help me desensitize for...
Tomorrow I have an appointment for more touch. My T encouraged me, and Jiva has encourage me too, to talk to my friend about my needs and my fears. I feel the need to share this publicly as my fear level is pretty high again. This exercise will help me name and challenge my fears. The blue t...
About Intrepid She
This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.
The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.
To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid
Search My Blog
Contact Me Outside Pandys
Trigger Warnings for all of the following links (*entry is in secure forums not available outside of Pandy's):
- Day 1: Why Now?
- One Year In
- Letting Go
- First Non-dissociation
- The Gynecologist
- Coping with Gyno Fear
- Abuse History Outline
- My Step-father
- Being Photographed
- My Mother's Voice
- Confronting Incest 1
- Confronting Incest 2
- Confronting Incest 3
- F/F CSA
- Fear of Females
- Childhood Neglect
- More Neglect
- Wanting Attention
- Force Fed
- Inability to Cry
- Convincing Myself it Wasn't So Bad
- Forgiving My Need for Touch
- Impact of Abuse on Educ'n/Career*
Trust in Therapist <trigger warning>intrepidshe - Apr 20 2016 10:02 PM
Trust in Therapist <trigger warning>RileyRalaigh_N - Apr 20 2016 08:19 PM
Trust in Therapist <trigger warning>intrepidshe - Apr 20 2016 01:34 PM
Trust in Therapist <trigger warning>blondie2002 - Apr 20 2016 08:39 AM
The Virus Withinintrepidshe - Apr 10 2016 09:33 PM