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Intrepid She


Day 158: Off Road

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 17 May 2014 · 256 views

May 17, 2014 Intrepid Age = 87 Days:
When I'm quiet, I am invisibly savage.
At rest I am placidly bloodthirsty. 
A banshee claws inside the armor. 
Reflection is the path to madness.
And headlong through the brambles
these words haunt me, have long hunted me:
It comes...


Day 157: Stuck Brain

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 16 May 2014 · 302 views

May 16, 2014 Intrepid Age = 86 Days:
Not able to write tonight. Even my brain is stuck.


Day 156: Mutual Vulnerability = Ability to Feel Emotions

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 15 May 2014 · 852 views

May 15, 2014 Intrepid Age = 85 Days:
I have a question at the end for anyone who might have an interest in offering ideas, suggestions, experiences.
I read to my T today part 3 of my mother letter. I also told her about what happened on Monday night this week. We had a discussion about my lack of emotion in reading my letter...


Day 155: Hilarity Ensued

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 14 May 2014 · 177 views

May 14, 2014 Intrepid Age = 84 Days:
I worked for just over 12 hours today, but the last four hours were great fun . . . so they can't really count as work. Furthermore, for an hour after this work day I stood in the parking lot visiting with several colleagues. We had an hilarious conversation touching on a random array of tangential topics....


Day 154: Stupid, Risky Decision Turned out OK (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 13 May 2014 · 351 views

May 13, 2014 Intrepid Age = 83 Days:
Trigger Warning - mostly for language
I have a confession to make about having made a risky decision yesterday, or rather several of them. It turned out just fine. But, I need to acknowledge what I did, and more importantly, why I did it. It explains why I didn't post last night.


Day 153: No posting

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 13 May 2014 · 74 views

May 12, 2014 Intrepid Age = 82 Days:
I took the night off from posting. Will explain in the Day 154 posting.


Day 152: Minimalist History of Love

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 11 May 2014 · 318 views

May 11, 2014 Intrepid Age = 81 Days:
I have been recently awakened to the intensity of feeling love and of being loved. I can't begin to describe it. This awakening has made me aware of the love that has been in my life throughout my life, minimal as it might have been. I have written extensively about how I have been hurt, neglected, aba...


Day 151: I'm OK. I'm Always OK.

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 10 May 2014 · 349 views

May 10, 2014 Intrepid Age = 80 Days:
I think it's a day for cataloging, after this challenging and tumultuous week.
First of all , I am in need of a place where AngelFriend can touch my neck, shoulders and arm that I feel safe to experience and express my emotions. The space at our workplace is just not sufficiently comfortabl...


Day 150: Mother F-ing letter Part 4 - What I Want from You Now (Major Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 09 May 2014 · 367 views

May 9, 2014 Intrepid Age = 79 Days:
Dear Pandy's friends, today I wrote the last section of the letter to my mom: "This is what I want from you now."
Before I share this last installment, I want to thank AngelFriend from the bottom of my heart for the time you spent with me yesterday. I spilled my guts for several hours; and you listene...


Day 149: Too Content to Let Mom Intrude

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 08 May 2014 · 211 views

May 8, 2014 Intrepid Age = 78 Days:
Got home very late today after a tough work day and a miraculous conversation with AngelFriend. We talked for a long time. It was very powerful and comforting.
I feel too content tonight to let my mom intrude on this feeling. So, I am not going to finish the letter tonight.
Plus, I have wo...


Day 148: Mother F-ing Letter Part 3 - How it Affected My Life (Major Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 07 May 2014 · 402 views

May 7, 2014 Intrepid Age = 77 Days:
To my Pandy's friends, I can't tell you how much your support, understanding, comments, and encouragement means to me. I know this has been painful for you to read, possibly as much as it has been for me to write. I am, as always humbled and astonished by the generosity, compassion, and courage you possess....


Day 147: Mother F-ing Letter Part 2 - How I Felt About It (Major Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 06 May 2014 · 547 views

May 6, 2014 Intrepid Age = 76 Days:
Extreme Trigger Warning
It occurs to me as I face this second section of the letter that you do not deserve the title, "Mom." You were an egg donor, you were an incubator, you were a restaurant (some of the time), you were a landlord (most of the time), but a mom?? Not really. And, I acc...


Day 146: Mother F-ing Letter Part 1 - What You Did to Me (Major Trigger Warning!)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 05 May 2014 · 382 views

May 5, 2014 Intrepid Age = 75 Days:
This is a very triggery post. Please proceed with caution.
Dear Pandy's friends, lend me your eyes please. I need reactions to this. I feel ashamed of having written it. 
As you know, I have been in T in order to reduce or eliminate my fear of doctors. At least, that's what got me to go t...


Day 145: My Mother Can't Love Me (trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Neglect, Healing Work 04 May 2014 · 359 views

May 4, 2014 Intrepid Age = 74 Days:
This topic might be triggering for some.

Some weeks ago I began a project working through the book Mothers Who Can't Love . I made it through the first half of the book, learning enlightening things, recognizing the categories of unloving-ness. In the spirit of staying focused on my current healing i...


Day 144: How to be Held - But, How to not be Afraid

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 03 May 2014 · 383 views

May 3, 2014 Intrepid Age = 73 Days:
I have a couple questions at the end of this post I hope others will answer, if they feel comfortable doing so.
I am following advice I received from Jiva about sitting with this topic of touch/nurturing/crying a little longer, perhaps until I reach a place of achievement. I'm not sure quite what "a...


Day 143: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or S** (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 02 May 2014 · 325 views

May 2, 2014 Intrepid Age = 72 Days:
I want to start today's posting with a thank you to MacGyver for sharing his amazing gift of insight. He analyzed a repeating nightmare I have. His interpretation has been immeasurably helpful to me. He gave me permission to share his identity. I'm so glad to get to do so, to give credit...


Day 142: Letter to DDF

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 01 May 2014 · 412 views

May 1, 2014 Intrepid Age = 71 Days:
Or should I too call you Angel? You laughed today at my telling you we have referred to you here as an angel. I imagine it might have been a little embarrassing to receive such a big compliment. But, you really are exceptional. You have an amazing gift you share with easy generosity. I ha...


Day 141: Quaking and Hesitant but Somehow Resolute

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 30 April 2014 · 382 views

Apr. 30, 2014 Intrepid Age = 70 Days:
I am feeling very much afraid about tomorrow, about facing the reality of being touched in a safe non-sexual way, of possibly having jolts caused by anxiety, of then needing to be held, and then possibly even crying as a result, with my DDF (aka my Angel Friend - thanks for the nick name Jiva).


Day 140: I Asked Her to Hold Me

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 29 April 2014 · 440 views

Apr. 29, 2014 Intrepid Age = 69 Days:
I had an appointment today for more touch desensitization. The last time my friend touched me I had an anxiety attack, including myoclonic jolts that lasted for something like 20 minutes. Today before we headed for the exam room (we used an exam room because it would help me desensitize for...


Day 139: Feeling Scared Again, Plan for Touch

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 28 April 2014 · 260 views

Apr. 28, 2014 Intrepid Age = 68 Days:
Tomorrow I have an appointment for more touch. My T encouraged me, and Jiva has encourage me too, to talk to my friend about my needs and my fears. I feel the need to share this publicly as my fear level is pretty high again. This exercise will help me name and challenge my fears. The blue t...

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.


View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.


The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.


To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid


More Healing:


- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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I can be reached by email at a Gmail account based on my userid here in Pandys. I'm sure you can piece it together. I won't enter the address here because of bots that read email addresses from screens. I really don't want spam. But I wanted people outside of Pandys to be able to reach me.

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